Saturday, February 26, 2011

Actually, Maybe Not

Maybe I'm not the type that is meant to have parties.

My anxiety was incredibly high once it was 1:00 am and the party wouldn't slow down no matter how many popcorn pieces I picked up off the floor.

My worry was how loud it was for my neighbors- I guess other people can just live and let live when they have a party and not worry about the noise they are making- but I am not those people.

When the last guests left at 3:30 I wondered why I did it at all in the first place.

Why didn't I just have a small get-together?

I have an irrational fear (or rational- actually) that I am going to be reamed out about my party's loudness to my face by an angry neighbor I didn't even know I had. And that all the neighbor's pent up anger about my incessant singing will be unleashed in my face and they will tell me that I shouldn't quit my day job (I HAVEN'T).

So I snuck out of my apt early this morning, with the stealth of a mouse carrying two huge, ripping bags of glass for recyclables and one bag of regular trash with broken glass. (yes, somebody broke a glass.)

I feared someone would see me in the stairwell or out by the trashcans outside or from a window and say "OH, its YOUU. You loud m***********" And on and on. And then look at my messy hair and eye circles and double chin and say something like: "WAS IT WORTH IT?"

No, it wasn't.

Well, maybe it was!

No.

Eh....?

If you attended my party, dear reader, I love you still (probably). I just like to have control over my abode too much, and like the "approval" of my neighbors too much to invite you over again in the same quanitities that I did last night.

Its not you, its me.

For Real.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Vampire Pear Attack

I think I was sick last night.

I got in bed at 9:20, in the middle of The Office, with more than an hour of NBC comedy left to watch.

I don't even remember what happened in the shows. And when 30 Rock was over, just as the horrible theme music for Outsourced was beginning, I turned off my TV and thought I was going to bed.

About an hour later I realized I wasn't asleep. Then I realized I was hungry. However, because I'm pretty sure I was sick- I was also hesitant to get out of bed to eat for 2 reasons:

1- I was so tired I didn't want to get out of bed

2- I was afraid my hunger was inversely proportional -and preliminary- to nausea/vomiting. I don't know if that happens to others, but it happens to me.

I waited 20 minutes in case I was getting the Vomit Flu again (I had it... a month ago?). Then, when I was sure it was hunger and not preliminary nausea- I flew out of my bed like a demon- snatched a Pear - and was so tired that I had to lie down to eat it in my bed. I was able to remember to get a paper towel before lying back down- but the brown, eco-friendly, 1-ply recycled kind, which didn't do S***t .

(Squat).

However, as I lay there, desperately tired- so tired that the idea of eating cookies from a box that was sitting right next to the fruit bowl was way too hard because my arm would have to move too much - and still desperately hungry, I could only liken my midnight snack in the dark- in my bed- to the desperation of a Vampire trying not to waste the blood (juice) dripping out of the person (pear) and getting all over my face and spilling onto my pointless, brown, eco-friendly paper towel.

In retelling this story, I realize that the pear in fact was not that similar to a Vampire victim, or really that interesting at all. But- the conclusion is that: I MUST have been sick.

Vampire version of the Fruit Bowl

Eye Spy? nigella, amy sedaris, pear, i love jim mug, pear, cookie box
On an even more depressing note:

Now I'm sitting in my apartment alone- stress eating the food for the guests- because too many people are coming tonight and I don't know where they are all going to SIT.

(And how will I get them out at a reasonable hour? What would Amy do? Charge them per hour?)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Face In Hole



Thanks to faceinhole.com and picnik.com I was able to deface the jpeg of a bookcover for my own purposes and amusement.

I am having a party tomorrow night. Bad timing because I have no money. But that is neither there nor there.

I was making the party invite on Facebook- and was looking for a great picture to add from my computer as the invite picture. Little did I know, I was subconsciouly really looking to rip off Amy Sedaris, because what I ended up using was:


Which, to me, had the same effect, subconsciously, as Amy Sedaris' absurd book cover holding the fake turkey. Because this picture is also absurd and dumb and was taken by a creepy headshot photographer man who I hired and who insisted that I pay him extra to make industry comp cards for industrial modeling or something stupid like that. This was supposed to be my "professional" look.

But nobody really understood, and people just thought I was trying to put up a nice picture of myself.... with my hand on my hip.... "Come to my birthday party, don't I look serious and nice?". Which was the opposite sentiment of the one I wanted. And instead it makes it look like I am obsessed with myself.

SO NEXT time I have a party. I am going to have it represented by my faceinhole-Amy Sedaris-faux Turkey. So people understand I mean business and don't mean business all at the same time.

Follow?
No?
Great.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Friday, February 18, 2011

Austin the Pooch

I have a new Friday morning babysitting job for a cute, sweet little boy who is almost 2. He is very easygoing and gentle.

Their dog, on the other hand, is a different story. He is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. The breed is supposed to be very docile and kind- similar to a lab or a golden retriever- but he is a very angry little dog.

He growls and barks like a mad dog at any strangers in his home (me). He spent a good 15 minutes just cornering me and growling and barking at me then starting jumped up at me biting- and bit and ripped a hole in my sweater.

He scared the living daylights out of me.

He is perfectly nice to the baby, but wants me dead.

not Austin

I took Ben to the Children's Museum and it was a reprieve from the attempted assassinations. When we got back Austin sulked in the corner and wimpered when I wouldn't give him any of Ben's sandwich.

Hmph.


The mother was was very apologetic and next time I am going to be able to put the muzzle on him. She said she has taken him to a lot of trainers to try to fix the problem, but she has decided she thinks the dog is mentally ill.

So, meet Austin, the mentally ill dog.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

abandoned journals

Abandoned journals, abandoned blogs...

Here are some snippets I just found in my abandoned journals/"lists"

I still apparently have not cleaned my blinds. true. 
also notice the completed: "lookup about stealing wifi"


This was the extent of my produce list

Apparently it was very important that I get PLURAL frozen pizzas

?

?voodoo?

the only audition notes I took were that I had "boobs a boobin". which was negative, of course.

common theme

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Bad Baking


I made them.

They have no taste. And they are bulbous.

Good thing this ain't no food blog no more!