Friday, September 23, 2011

Serious Floodwatch

Not only is it torrentially raining in NYC with a flood watch - but there is an extra gushing waterfall on my street  today.


While I was on the phone, I kept forgetting the word for fire hydrant- which was a problem.

The fire department was offended "We don't control the fire hydrants, that is for the EPA".

Well, Fire Department, you get cats out of trees, so excuse me for being confused.

And, yes, that would be the first two times I called 911 taking place in the span of one week.

The water pressure here is so low that I cannot flush my toilet, which hosts it's own special problems.

But, I am happy to report that one of the two carpenter bees has already been swept away off my ledge by the rain.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

How to Wish You Were Frugal with Food

After unsuccessfully trying to cut down my eating/food budget I have realized drastic measures have to be taken.

Now, understand this is mainly for the purpose of having money to buy some clothes. Some Key pieces for the Fall.... like.... red pants, seventies blouses and ... some clothes that aren't blue.

I have healthy, expensive, and bizarre tastes. So, there is only so much I am willing to do. Will I be switching to Ramen and Skippy and store-brand macncheese? No.

What I AM willing to do:

1. Eat Out Never a lot Less :( But only until I buy my leopard print flats and cable knit sweater and other important wardrobe additions.

2. Cut down on Kombucha.... like... A lot.

3. Eat Other People's Food.

4. More Eggs.

5. Soak and Cook Beans. no more cans :-/

6. Trader Joe's

7. No more late night corner-deli purchases. Those tricksters have high prices.

8. Eggs and Toast. Eggs and Toast. Eggs and Toast and Salt.

9. Drink Less Coffee (I already started. It is sad but helpful- on many levels)

10. Eat other people's food some more. Obviously only if they offer it, but when they do... take them up on it and then some. Unless of course it is normal, processed food from a normal, processed supermarket, in which case: maybe don't.

11. Quinoa!

12. Should I start making my own yogurt? What's the POINT? SHOULD I START MILKING MY OWN COW?

13. onions? bananas? potatoes?

14. Don't worry I WILL eat some vegetables.

15. Is $100 a week a lot for people? A little? Because it is a serious STRUGGLE for me.

16. Sorry for all the CAPS LOCK. But I am having a VERY ROUGH TIME.

17. No Cardio. I'm not kidding. I already walk enough. NO CARDIO. I need to be less hungry. Because I am starving EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

18. should I buy my own goat?

19. Buy the cheapest Almond Butter Possible

20. I don't know.

21. If I went on one dinner date a night, then ... maybe people would pay for my dinners. Sometimes that doesn't work out though, because its 2011. And people try to be equal.

22. Start to Wedding Crash.

23. Go on a Fast. That would work, but it would depress me.

24. Obviously eat "seasonally" and "locally". Which I believe in 100%, but since I have a fear of the farmer's market employees, no matter what I buy seasonally, it is mostly from California and Mexico anyway.

We'll See....

I have been eating other people's/my freezer for a week and a half and .... I get to go to Trader Joe's tomorrow. yessssssss.

Over and Out.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

On God and Bad Prayers

There are a many beliefs about spirituality I have read. I am half-assedly subscribed to the following:

1. The Universe is "God"/Life/Love- and it listens and takes care of you- (but has no beard)

2. We can create whatever we want- we need to visualize it- and it will happen- (like a genie but with no beard)

3. We must accept what is- and let life unfold around us- we cannot possibly know what we want or what we need (conflicts with #2) (also, no beard)

4. I can pray to God, with or without a beard, for things and resolutions, remembering that "he" is not necessarily a man, but we only say that so we can further understand "him". I think.

5. You say "Thy Will Be Done". Meaning: "Oh, God, I really really want this, but of course- whatever you want should be what happens because otherwise I am getting too smug."

6. You say "Thank You" at the end of your request in order to tell the Universe: "This is happening, bitch, I already thanked you, now GET ON IT".

7. You say the request as if it already is that way. For instance, instead of "I really want to be a millionaire God. Please. Pleeaassseeeee". You say " I am a Millionaire. Thank You."

-Which is WEIRD and they all totally contradict each other-

8. We are ALL connected. Literally. Like if half our brain gets damaged, and we just saw with one side (forget which side) we are literally just like energy connected and concentrated. Which makes ANYTHING POSSIBLE. And is also confusing. (Saw this on a TED talk)

9. Jesus is literally sitting in heaven. Like his whole self. Him. His body. His robes are IN HEAVEN. And when you die you will SEE HIM. I actually... do not believe this. I believe that St. Anthony himself is searching for my keys before I believe that. No offense Jesus. I like the things you said, I really do.

10. Speaking of Jesus. I have read, and I like the idea, that people greatly misunderstood and misinterpreted his words, and really he was just saying. "I am "God", like you, we are powerful and connected. etc". "What I do, you will do too". He was talking about connectedness. But was just a peaceful rebel. (He DID have a beard, however. but apparently it wasn't long or blonde.)

11. I like to pray to Saints and ask them to do things for me. Then I thank them, because I am bossing them around. If, that day, I believe in the Universe instead of "God" (beard or no)- I just consider the Saints, like.... energy balls- or something.

All That Being Said- I Pray about One Day a Month

The rest of the days I am just sitting at my computer stressing out.

On that One Day a Month- I try to do something like this:

I try to meditate. I lie in bed and either fall asleep or start thinking about what clothes I should bring to the laundromat. Then I yell at myself in my head.

Sometimes I make a list of all the things I want and draw little crosses at the top of the page and little "thank yous" at the bottom. Then I get stressed about how I don't have anything on that list.

Sometimes I lie in bed and say a mantra, like: "All is well. I can trust the process of life. All is well. I can trust the process of life. All of the dishes are dirty why am I lying down. I am going to be a sexy chicken for Halloween, that would be funny." And on and on.

Normally though, on that one day a month, what I do is get in bed at NIGHT and say- "OH, I know a great way to not think about how long it takes me to fall asleep. I'll pray and ask for all the many things I want." Then I lie there and say in my head:

"Hi God. I don't know if you are a God or a Universe or whatever. But I don't think you fault me, and I am going to tell you what I want. I really want to.... have the things that I want. I really want to- " and then my brain stops. "Ok, ok. I really want... to be happy. I want a career, if that is what I am supposed to have. So I hope that you like, inspire me to do things, and that I do them. Also, just bring me things. Like money. And Food." And then my brain stops. "I want....ummmm... what was I thinking? Ah yes. ahhhhhh" and then I sigh like a maniac. trying to be zen. then I start speaking like an old english poet "Dear, God. I am thankful for alllll the blessings in my life. This bed. This apartment. I trust you and allll your funny little happenings. I pray for happiness for my-" And then my brain stops. Then I start thinking about how late it is. Or the email that I forgot to write. Then I have a blog post idea, but I am too tired to write it down. Then I say "God, I want to not be afraid of dating anymore! AND I WANT to be very productive and very happy. And what is that sound in my air conditioner?".

It is very hard to be as spiritual as I am.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

How to Stop Procrastinating and Start Unpacking Your Suitcase

Say goodbye to guilt-filled days, staring at an unpacked suitcase!

Now there is a perfect way to make sure you unpack!

Drop Frozen Blueberries Among Your Clothes

They melt quickly into permanent purple stains! 
Unpack Quickly and Efficiently!

If you can't force yourself to do this intentionally, do what I did and accidentally put the suitcase open in the kitchen right under where you prepare food. Next open up a bag of frozen blueberries and dump them clumsily into a bowl. When one or more fall into your bag, you will be forced to unpack, so as to avoid having to buy all new clothes I cannot afford.

Frozen Raspberries are also acceptable. But the mighty blueberry is smaller, rounder, and will hide in a tiny crevice- so it will force you to take ALL your clothes out.

Warning:
Do not do this with something like mustard, red sauce, coffee, red wine etc. unless you do it with FROZEN mustard, frozen red sauce, frozen coffee (iced won't work) or frozen red wine. It is important that the blueberry be a ticking time bomb. This will inspire you to save your clothes, instead of depress and overwhelm you. If I spilled mustard on my open bag of clothes, I would lie down on the kitchen floor next to it and give up.

Waste no time! This offer may not last, so Drop Frozen Blueberries Among Your Clothes TODAY- and live guilt free!

Idea does not cover what to do with unfolded clothes after removal from Blueberried Bag. Idea does not assume any responsibility for stained clothes, ruined clothes, or unfolded clothes. If problem persists for 1 week or longer, more drastic measure may be needed.


Blind Cleaning

When I moved into my apartment, my mom kept on saying "YOU MUST CLEAN YOUR BLINDS!".

It didn't seem all that important to me + I had mono. 

And I tried. But it was too hard. And they never seemed to get clean. Because I was tired.

BUT YESTERDAY!!!! I found the desire to try again. And I did it with a microfiber rag! And yes it was tedious, but no it was not hard.

Applaud me!

Mid-way through:

Friday, September 2, 2011

Monkey Boxers

So.... maybe about 7... maybe 8 years ago I bought 3 pairs of brightly colored boxers from men's gap. To sleep in.

I think it was before there were any viable women's boxers- but I could be wrong. I was in a phase of high school where I didn't care for finer things- only questionable menswear.

(This would also have been the year that I wore pig tail buns, and long shirts under short shirts and chucks (before they were really in again). Also, I think cargo pants were in.

But no matter. I actually found two of those boxers recently and have been wearing them again in the hot summer months. One is pretty pink and coral and blue stripes and I left it down at the shore accidentally, so I have been forced to wear the other one, which is bright orange with little monkeys all over them. (I also had a monkey phase).


No matter! Who cares! Its cool! Be Yourself!

Yesterday I took my clothes to get washed. I have no laundry in the building, so I treat myself to the "Chinese Laundry" on the block over (the official establishment's name).

The women in there are nice to me and know which vera bradley bag-filled-with-laundry is mine when I come to get it.

They laugh at me when I bring only 6 lbs of laundry when the minimum is 8 lbs and 8 dollars.

"So Small!", They laugh with at me.

But they are nice. Once, when I was really sick with mono one of them told me I was beautiful and asked if I lived upstairs. I didn't know if the two were connected, and should have been worried if they were, but I was thankful anyway. And I said.... "No. I live... not upstairs".

So it was the first time I had seen the ladies in a little while (btw, the man who sometimes works there, is not as nice) and they smiled at my 7 lb bag of laundry. I filled it with towels and even... rags just to make it not 4 lbs. But I needed to do laundry.

When I went to pick it up yesterday- the one woman seemed very frazzled. She kept saying something that sounded like "udapat" and was trying to pull out the trash bag filled with clothes within a vera bradley bag in order to show me something. It seemed very urgent.

She kept saying "udapat" and finally pointed to.... the folded orange and monkey-covered boxers.

"These your udapat?"

Underpants.

I then blurted something like : "Yes. HA! Oh, yes that WOULD be confusing. Yes. Yes. HAHAHAHhahahahahahahhaa. I just found them in the back of my closet! Weird! Hahaha. They are mine."

Now, first of all, this means that all my fears about those women judging my laundry are TRUE.

Secondly, why? Why would she call it to my attention that I had funny, monkey-covered men's boxers?

What IF, and yes this is unlikely, what if they were my BOYfriend's monkey boxers? Huh? And I just so happened to put them in with my laundry.

Or, what if, even worse, they were mine (which they ARE), why are you making me feel bad!?!??

Now I have, in the past, gotten baby clothes and weird socks (with human faces printed onto them back) in my laundry- so maybe she just wanted to make sure she wasn't giving away someone else's clothes.

But.

STILL, WOMAN. Allow me some monkey-boxer privacy.