Saturday, November 26, 2011

No Friggin' Angels


My mom is flying around the kitchen scowling at me and my Dad because we now have her hooked on Keurig coffee, and are joking that she now needs it in order to be pleasant in the morning, just like us.

The kitchen is littered with Christmas decorations taken out of the boxes- but not put up in their proper place yet.

She is tensely looking for a mushroom soup recipe in one of her new cookbooks. But all of her cookbooks are hidden under miscellaneous Christmas decor. She angrily whips a gold mesh angel off of one of the books.

Trying to lighten the mood, I say for her "Aghh! There are too many friggin' angels in this kitchen!". (Thinking that "Friggin" was the most appropriate exclamation for her.)

But, this is apparently the last straw, for I have slighted the Lord and his winged helpers.

'Don't say "friggin" and "angels" in the same sentence.'



noted.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Thanksgiving Label

I made this. It is Grain-Free. And burnt

Let me call to my own attention- that I have a blog "Label" for Thanksgiving.

And how pointless.

Thus far I have only 2 posts under 'Thanksgiving'. This will be the 3rd. How many times a year can I write about Thanksgiving?

I think in the coming posts I will continue to focus on the futility of many and all aspects of this blog. And yet, in the midst of the futility I will continue to write anyway, because sometimes the only point of this pointless blog, is to have a good ol' activity for myself, and to give people sometimes stupid to read.

Why Do I Have a Thanksgiving Label?

Well. There was a time a few years ago in college, when I had a visionary dream during a nap that I should start an "Autumn Website". Whatever the hell that is. I dreamed the site would be a place for all the people who love The Fall to convene online and discuss. And also to buy fall goods like scarecrows and .... rakes, I guess. There would be beautiful pictures and recipes for pumpkin spice foods and an activity list.

Upon waking I actually told my roommates about this BRILLIANT idea- but later in the day I realized it was one of those things that only works in the dream-world.

So, maybe this Thanksgiving Label is an extension of that dream. A little homage to the piece of me that wanted to have a blog totally dedicated the The Autumn, and to make my fortune selling rakes.

I also think having the label of "Thanksgiving" was me hoping that my blog would one day become some sort of cushy, aesthetically pleasing, inspiring and visual blog about happy, pretty, frivolous things. Instead of becoming a sort of questionable collection of mildly depressing essays about a girl who doesn't have enough clothes to wear a new outfit each day of the week.

Anyways...

Here is my mother discussing bone marrow:

video

Oh, and I almost forgot: I am Thankful for almost everything except for my Bad Night's Sleep.

I am also specifically thankful for the internet, even though it may be ruining our lives collectively.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Search Keywords for My Blog




Well this is timely, because I just changed my Blog name, like a dope. Now none of my 4 adoring fans in Malaysia will be able to find me.

I know you must be curious. "How does NonQuickOatmeal get so many comments hits? She has like 53 hits a DAY. That's 50 random people, who were looking for some quality information or inspiring reading material- who were shuttled here by Google, only to find out that I am completely useless. I can't offer them quality information, inspiration or photography.

Nevertheless....Let's go through the secrets to me getting .... a few hits from my varied audience of non-commenting, disappointed "readers".

1. Sister Pool


What kind of a dumb search was that? Yes it was the one with the sister and the pool and the peaches.

2. Italian cookie tray


They unfortunately found no helpful info here. I don't even know what or why I wrote about italian cookies.

3. Nonquickoatmeal.

Well now I have gone and changed the name and confused those 2 people.

4. A mom who doesn't like dogs

Yep, my mom gave away two dogs, one year after another. Whomever was searching might be comforted by learning that someone else's mother is as cruel as their own mother. I'm glad I can do some good.

5. aroma expresso bar oatmeal

Aw. The old 'Search Words + Blog Title' conundrum. That must've been annoying to find out: "I wanted to know if the hot oatmeal from Aroma was delicious or not! What IS this BLOG!?". However, they don't know that espresso is not spelled "expresso". Dumb.

6. basic non-quick oatmeal

wait.... calling regular (not instant) oatmeal "non-quick" was supposed to be a semi... joke. Apparently it's a legit description! I would urge them to fold chocolate chips into their "basic non-quick oatmeal". Ugh. I'll never forget those days.

7. Black Eye Family Photo

Bingo! This search result actually might have been helpful to them. They were probably wondering what to do for a family photo if they happen to have badly timed black eye. And I am here to inspire them to get EVERYONE in the family to put black-eye-makeup on. You are welcome, sir.

8 and 9. Droopy Eyed Armless Children

Thank you Charlie Sheen.

10. How to not blank during Improv

No help here.

Impending Holidays and Partying Dishwashers

I am in PA, living with my parents, to do a show for the Holidays- Singing and Swinging and exploring holiday loneliness. As far as I know that is the premise of the show. But really, come see it! (plug! plug!)

Also here is a picture of a promotional card they sent to my parent's home, addressed to me, to remind me that I will be in the show:





That is me on the left. My phone is somewhat intelligent, and when I took a picture of the card with my phone, it put little squares around all the faces but mine.

Sigh.

Also, the dishwasher in my family's home is very strange:



I did the dishes the first day I was home, because my parents fear my presence. A LOT OF DISHES ARE USED WHEN I AM AROUND.