Friday, September 14, 2012

The Posts I Never Wrote- Part 3

Third part of my featured aborted posts:

Title: Now I Realize Why People Went To Church
Intended Contents: I was so excited about this one, I remember. I felt like I had a revelation about people going to church more fervently in the olden days because it was way less boring than their stitching and farming, etc. etc. But it turns out when I started to write it, it became obvious and not interesting.

Title: Haircut: What I Learned. UGH
Intended Contents: No idea what I learned then, but I should write a new post inspired by last Saturday called- "Self Haircut: What I Learned. UGH." Where what I learned is: "Don't cut your own hair, especially if it is already short."

Title: Things You May Forget to Clean
Intended Contents: All I wrote was: coasters.

Title: My Hair Is Too Healthy
Intended Contents: But that doesn't mean it looks good.

Title: Miserable Ramblings of a Teenager with Serious Disordered Eating
Intended Contents: These were actual journal clippings from my 17 year old self writing to myself in all sincerity in my "food journal". I guess I thought it was funny because it was so absurd that I truly felt that way and wrote those things.... but upon further reflection it was maybe a little too.... dark. Here is an example-


Title: Skinnygirl Margarita- More Bethenny Lovin'
Intended Contents: I think I was right to abort this.

Title: Mole: Good Spot NYC
Intended Contents: Woa! We are all the way back to when I thought I was a food blogger!

Title: I'm Changing the Purpose of This Blog
Intended Contents: Never wrote anything. But the purposed changed from pretending I had any sort of order in my life- to focusing on the lack of order in my life.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Posts I Never Wrote: Part 2

(Continued from Part 1)

Title: Tina Fey- Knobby Knees
Intended Contents: I showed my dad a scene from 30 Rock that I thought he would like. And all he said was: "Wow, she has knobby knock-knees. What a shame."            !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Title: Oh My Aching Feet!
Intended Contents: Aching Feet.

Title: Politically Responsible
Intended Contents: No Clue.

Title: Zen Love Guru
Intended Contents: Probs about how I give amazing and insightful love advice to my friends, yet I have no business doing so because my greatest love affair has been with a block of cheese.

Title: I Mis-Counted the Men
Intended Contents: A quote from 30 Rock, here referring to how " I have had a serious drop in readership in the past day since changing my blog name. I guess there were some strangers who used to read my NonQuickOatmeal blog....". Awwwwww. Then I wrote "Non-quick Oatmeal" about 200 times in an attempt to trick Google search.

Title: Goodbye NYC, Until the Dark Months
Intended Contents: Was going to PA to do a show for the Holidays. Decided it was too boring to write.

Title: Normal Gas
Intended Contents: In NJ where you can't pump your own gas, I asked for "Normal Gas" instead of "Regular"- and I felt dumb.

Title: Don't Be A Hero
Intended Contents: No idea. Be a villain? Oh, I just read it. It was about how I called 911 for the first time in my life when I heard a horrible, menacing, blood-curdling screaming fight between a man and a woman on my street. I was a hero that day. I actually thought I published it.... don't know why its a draft? Oh... because I had a facebook chat copied and pasted into it, but the pictures are all little Question Marks now and it looks junky and unprofessional. I guess I decided it doesn't fit the high standards of this blog....

Title: The Droid and I Don't Type Well Together
Intended Contents: It gave personal examples like: "he just happens to be representing my favorite thong EVER" and "You ate a god". Funny stuff. Should have followed through with that one.


To Be Continued.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Posts I Never Wrote- Part 1

Yesterday as I looked through my Post Drafts I saw a lot of terminated creative endeavors.

I will honor them by wondering what the hell I thought I would write about:

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Title: Match.com
Intended Contents: No idea. Probably that "my friend is doing match.com and is making it sound fun but how could it be".

**

Title: Kitchen Trauma
Intended Contents: This was going to be about the cockroaches that began invading my kitchen in my crumbly studio. And wearing shoes to bed, etc.

**

Title: Mania
Intended Contents: Different kinds of mania- my top examples were going to be Cab Mania: holding the money in my hand the whole time, watching the meter the whole time and jumping out of the cab so quickly so they don't get mad at me for wasting their time. Cash Register/Wallet Mania: Why don't they give you the necessary time to put your money back in a civilized fashion? I stuff my money in there and scram like the store is burning. Why? And Ice Cream Mania: eating ice cream really fast because its melting.

**

Title: No Sandals or Pedicures
Intended Contents: Probably about how I shouldn't wear sandals because I don't get pedicures.

**

Title: Free My Legs
Intended Contents: A case against making beds - because having tight, tucked in sheets is very constraining for peoples' (my) feet. And one has to mess it all up and free their (my) legs anyway for quality sleep.

**

Title: I don't know anyone's name
Intended Contents: True.

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Title: How to Clear the Street
Intended Contents: Talk Outloud to Yourself

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Title: Why Can't Everything Be in the Same Place?
Intended Contents: I was talking about social media. Not interesting.

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Title: Posture: Gargoyle.
Intended Contents: I sit like a gargoyle at the computer.

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Title: French Women Don't Eat in Bed
Intended Contents: I thought I wrote a post about this? Oh I did. I had a draft too.

**

Title: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Intended Contents: No clue. Maybe talk about how much I love Lisa and how much I hate all the other women.

**

Title: Ponytail Chic Bar Times
Intended Contents: I wrote this at 2 am. after a bar and published it, but then the next day I got an email from my only reader: Mom, who told me it was potentially offensive. Rather than edit it- I reverted it to draft and haven't thought about it til now.

**

Title: Practical Purchases
Intended Contents: Eh? I have buyers remorse but end up buying weird things? Probably.

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Title: Meditation and Hunting
Intended Contents: I want to be a compassionate zen meditator and a ruthless animal slayer.

**

To be continued.

There are too many to put it all in one post.