Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Do You Think I Am a Bratty Lesbian?

My Mother is convinced that my "questionable and confusing internet presence" is going to be the cause of unwanted spinsterhood and lead to my dying alone, probably while writing one last, weird, not-funny blog post.

Apparently I am repelling men, not like the original Man Repeller with fashionably androgynous clothing choices, but with my Facebook, Blog, and .... one Youtube song.

Because apparently, the horrors that all these (phantom) men find on the internet when searching my name (like this blog) are just too bizarre to look past.

Because this blog makes me look like an insane brat. (I just always assume people will know that I am kidding, but according to her, they will absolutely not.)

Because, "Caroline, hun, this day and age when the best way to learn about someone is the to Google them, think about what are they going to find on you! And then your only song performance on YouTube is about an angry woman being "Over You"- it is going to make people think you are a scary witch!". And when she says witch, she means bitch. (Not fair, because there is also a shoddy and whited-out recording of me singing "Songbird" at Joe's Pub, which is quite the love song.)

Because when I was in college, and she thought that my Facebook wall made me seem like a lesbian. I commented "I love Ellen!" on a video that someone posted on my wall of Ellen Degeneres. And another post of my freshman year roommate making a joke about "when am I going to see you again and make sweet love?".... To her, it was obvious that this was the reason that some boy -who I forget about now- wasn't texting me. I got a concerned Facebook message from my mom: "Caroline, Are you trying to repel every boy in New York!?!?!?!?". Let this teach us all why we should not be friends with our parents on Facebook.

Also, because: "You never even talk about boys on your blog! That will confuse people!" (yes, I guess I do like to keep a mysterious a-sexuality to my blog).

And no, no one reads my blog.

Basically my mother missed her calling as a "Romance P.R. Consultant & Internet Presence Critic" and so she is giving her services to me for free, whether I ask for them or not.


I have heard her go on about this internet-presence-thing for nearly a decade now. And- I even see her point at times. There may be small grains of truth in her absurd worries (I do sort of make myself look like a horrible and crazy person) and I am fully aware of all the things that she considers to be very undesirable. But even with that knowledge and awareness, I still choose to write those undesirable things anyway. So it is apparently a chance I am willing to take.

My mother is trying to protect me from myself and my reckless self-portrayal. In her eyes, I still haven't learned some essential lessons: you shouldn't write your 'diary' on the internet for everyone to see, you shouldn't assume everyone understands the unfunny and subtle jokes you are making at your own expense, and you also shouldn't assume that men aren't obsessed with Googling you to decide whether you are worthy and normal enough to pursue.

But portraying myself as a slightly worse-version-of-myself makes me laugh, and so for better or for worse I am going to keep doing it. And whether I have 4 friend-readers or 100,000 male-Googlers, I will keep on keeping on, making 5 cents a year from Google Adsense.

And luckily for her, she will probably be the only one to read this post.

1 comment:

  1. if you were not so far away I would ask you definitely to go out! I'm not joking! I'm writing from south italy! :)


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