Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Avengers, a love story

I can usually only handle watching Romantic Comedies and Children's Movies because I feel like movies are actually happening to me. If I stray from those genres, I suffer. I watched the horror movie Seven in college, and by the time the movie was over I had a fever that lasted a few days.

Is that not normal?

Though recently I have been thinking I should maybe expand my movie tastes to include Action Movies (since I saw the James Bond movie Skyfall and loved it.)

So after the kids I babysat last night went to sleep, I watched The Avengers.

So, basically by the same rule above, Super Hero/Action films make me feel like I can actually do anything. Want to mug me in a dark alleyway, scary man? Bring it on. Want to fight me on the top of a moving train? It would be my pleasure. I am trying to think of more scenarios but I haven't watched enough action films. Give me time.

(Let me be clear: NOT war movies. Those are the worst. Terrible things happen in those. I am talking about pure fluff. I need a fantasy where my upper body strength is unbelievable, the villain is very evil, and there is zero chance of dying.)

***

I had very high hopes for the film, based on what I had heard, but here were my problems:

I hadn't seen any of the other Marvel Comic films that lead UP to this movie- and I had no idea what was going on - or who anyone was.

Not to mention, action films also have horribly inconsistent volume levels. And I had to keep the volumes low because the battle scenes sounded like they were actually bombing the living room and kept waking up the 9 year old. So, I couldn't hear what was being said in the conversation/information scenes.

"me"

Also, action films make me sure that I will work out really hard from now on, so I can beat up any and all evil people. During the course of the movie I did about 22 pushups, which is a lot.

I tried to keep adjusting the volume to understand the plot, and not bomb the living room, but it was interrupting my pushups, so I had to make a choice.

Not being able to fully understand the dialogue, this is what I picked up on:

Iron Man is a douche. And Gwenyth Paltrow was in his apartment. Love story? Heard no dialogue.

Captain America was frozen, has 1950s' hair and pants, and doesn't know about modern things like Pilates. He is old fashioned and seems kind.

Iron Man is a douche to him.

Thor/Chris Hemsworth was weird God, had a hammer, and his brother was the movie villain: Loki. In real life his brother is marrying Miley Cyrus. So... both villains of sorts.

The bad guy's name was Loki- which was very hard to take seriously.

Robin from How I Met Your Mother was an Agent Maria something. I saw her looking longingly at Captain America.

No clue who Jeremy Renner and Alexander Skarsgard's dad were supposed to be, but their minds were taken over by the evil Loki at the beginning of the movie.

Can the Hulk control his actions when he is the Hulk? Very unclear.

Somebody named Agent Phil died halfway through the movie, and it was supposed to be very sad.

Samuel L. Jackson played some boring boss agent with an eyepatch.

No idea what Scarlet Johansson's character's deal is- the Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff- but she was definitely my favorite part. Because of her, my arms are very sore today, and I kept on looking into the mirror during the movie with a dramatic expression and pretending I was a badass Spy-turned-Avenger.

***

It wasn't as good as James Bond. But I won't rule out the genre just yet. It could be really good for my upper body strength.

***

The End of this post.

***


Oh are you disappointed that I didn't give a synopsis?

Well. Basically, (Spoiler Alert!) Loki is really jealous of his brother Thor because he was adopted and not blonde like him, so he turned to the Aliens. He comes to earth and takes over Jeremy and the Swede's minds with his scepter. 

While Jeremy and Eric's dad do his dirty work for him, Loki is just kind of shitting around and lets the Avengers lock him in a clear cage that is able to be ejected from the space station. He taunts them from his cage and watches them not be able to get it together or get along (mostly thanks to Iron Man, the douche). He eventually escapes somehow, kills Phil, and sends Thor tumbling to the earth to die in the clear cage. (He doesn't die)

Meanwhile, the Hulk is attacking my alter-ego, the Black Widow, then jumps on a helicopter and also crashes to the earth, only to later wake up naked in front of a confused old man. 

Jeremy and Scarlett are battling, and it is very intense because I have gathered that they are supposed to be in love, and then she knocks him out- which returns him to his own mind. Lovers reunited! (I think, I couldn't hear any words/plot).

Loki has some blue light energy thing that makes a portal in the sky and lets Aliens and huge boney Sea Turtles fly down and attack New York City.

The government sends a nuke flying to NYC, but Iron Man surprises me and bravely carries it all the way through the portal, blows up the Alien's station (which somehow kills all the Aliens on earth too), and falls back through the portal just as Johansson closes it with Skarsgard's help.

The Avengers win and Iron Man irreverently wants to eat some Shawarma.

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