Thursday, December 26, 2013

Soft Resolutions: Things I'm Gonna Think About Changing in the New Year

I am not into making New Year's Resolutions, mostly because I don't like doing difficult things. I also don't like setting myself up for failure. And I have a rebellious streak (against myself).

Buuuttt there are definitely some things I could (softly and slowly) change, which coincidentally happens to be just in time for the new year.

Here are some of those soft, slowly-changing, rule-less suggestions that I am considering in an "it doesn't matter if I fail" sort of way.

  • grocery shopping- I'm going to BUY ingredients so I can make things that I can eat - instead of eating toast and cheese and grapes every day. I will do this on a regular basis.
  • exercising- I'm gonna exercise at least once a week for, say, 20 minutes. (Like "yoga" or "weights" or pushups or something.)
  • cleaning- I am going to CLEAN, like, once a month, at LEAST. And REAL cleaning. Not just picking up dust bunnies on occasion.
  • Sell everything I own- I am going to list everything I don't want or need anymore for 10 dollars or less on craigslist. And if they wanna come get it and pay me to take it away, then it is theirs. Mostly shoes. Maybe some books.
  • Speaking of, I am not going to wear high heels anymore. This is less of an "improvement" and more of a "how can I care less about what the world expects of me" sort of thing. I am not gonna wear high heels no matter what the world wants. Unless it is an audition. Or a show. Or unless it is a black tie party- (but Ha! I never go to those!). I am also never gonna wear ballet flats because my feet are too wide. So I am ONLY going to wear boots or sandals. Always. Forever. Except for those exceptions.
  • i'm gonna sleep 12:45 - 8:45- I will experience miraculous, spontaneous, magical sleep-cycle healing.
  • i'm gonna eat more during the day instead of at 1 am- This will take some work and adjustment, but... I am determined.
  • i'm gonna remember that I am ok. Generally. That I'm like, cool. You know, self confidence stuff. "Siri, remind me that "you are enough" every day. No IIIII am enough, not YOU. ME. And say it in a more convincing way than your normal robot voice does. Ugh you are good for nothing."
  • I'm gonna make stuff - like - just creative stuff. I don't know yet what it is gonna be. Maybe just another blog post. But I'm gonna do it.
  • remember alcohol tolerance- i'm gonna remember that 2+ drinks is rarely as awesome as I think it will be. Maybe I'll write myself like a phone reminder for whenever I am meeting up with people for drinks. Or maybe every day in my calendar I will have a "remember that 1.5 drinks is almost always enough". And "Siri, remind me that I only want to drink 1.5 drinks max. Repeat this reminder every day at 7:30 pm. Thankksssssssss".
  • I'm gonna have a lot of money- not sure how.
  • I'm never gonna be nervous again- I am just going to remember that everything is fine always and "things work out even when they don't". You know what I mean? "Siri, remind me to never be nervous again. Repeat this reminder hourly. Thanksssssss."

 

Merry Christmas and a Happy, resolution-free New Year.

 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

If I Had (a lot of) Money

One of my favorite activities is: tricking myself into believing something that isn't real and then seeing what I do or think. And then judging myself for being insane.

Though, this time when I tricked myself it was really fun. I played the "What Would You Do or Change if you had an unlimited amount of money right now, GO". And this is what I came up with:

  • First, responsibly getting this bullet out of the way, careerwise, I would take a lot of classes, and spend my time auditioning and making things instead of babysitting. Boom. I would also pay to have all those actory things made, like reels etc, which right now I have no immediate intention of doing because it seems impossible- and expensive.
  • (Edited to Add) Charities. Because that is what rich people, who do the right thing, do.

Now that I have that out of the way (Just assume I would do EVERYTHING I needed to do for peoples' reaction to me to be: "You are so functional and responsible!"), here is more.

  • I would get Fresh Direct once a week. And it would be filled with a lot of very expensive items. And I would eat so much and so easily and so often. I would also finally have ingredients to actually cook things, which I am hoping and assuming I would do. (In this delivery order there would be wine. There would be sparkling water bottles. I don't even drink sparkling water. There would be paper towels. There would be all the things that are heavy to carry that I put off buying. There would be potatoes. There would be expensive almond butter. There would be Apple Cider Vinegar, FINALLY.)
  • I would get an externimator because we have mice. (I cannot rely on my superintendant.)
  • I would get a plumber to fix the shower knobs/water temperature regulation. (Same superintendent situation.)
  • And before all that, I would get a cleaning service 2x a month because I freaking can.
  • I would get a car, and I guess it would be the quiet kind that is good for the environment.
  • I would get amtrak tickets or drive always because I CAN.
  • I would get a little suitcase. I need one.
  • I would get a new tv where the speakers didn't rattle when you turn the sound up at all, and where the remote actually syncs with the cable remote so you don't have to double-fist remotes.
  • I would obviously eventually buy an amazing apartment, but that is a lot of work, so not yet. But when I did it would have a dishwasher, it would have a washer/dryer, it would have no mice. I would buy a little indoor tree for it. That would be so cool. I would remember to water it.
  • I would get laser hair removal. Tens of thousands of dollarsworth.
  • I would take cabs every late night.
  • I would pay a 3-piece band to just follow me around and perform with me in bars, and all the time in my apartment.
  • I would go to a specialist about my jaw muscle because my mom just told me that my "face isn't lopsided because of my broken nose, like I previously thought, it is because my jaw alignment and muscles are crooked"- and LO! she is RIGHT.
  • I would hire a crew/team to shoot these little scripty things I wrote, and it would be great. I would also serve them pizza. (Thin-crust.)
  • I would buy a new yoga mat because mine is crumbling apart and dirty.
  • I would buy a lot of plants. And water them.
  • I would buy new christmas lights to string in the bathroom, because ours burnt out.
  • I would probably see a psychiatrist and have them prescribe me beta-blockers.
  • I would buy lots of bras that fit.
  • I would buy another good pillow.
  • I would pay a person to fix the slat on my bed that won't actually stay in because the movers put my bed together wrong a year and a half ago.
  • I would finally take my velvet pants to the dry-cleaner.

There are more things but I will have to write them later because I need to take a shower.

 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Thankful Thursdays: Because Having a Theme is a Good Idea

OK, so, I am trying to kill two birds with one stone. First bird: I want to start a THEMED blog post topic that has annoying and cutesy alliteration- because apparently that is what bloggers DO.

The Second Bird: it has come to my attention over my many years of reading self help books, that I should be spending an exorbinant amount of time, whenever I can, listing all of the things I am grateful for - in order to have more good things happen to me. It is sort of like the paradox of selfishness: If you are selfish and want good things to happen to you, you have to acknowledge all of the already good things, and then more good things will happen to you. And I, my friends, am very selfish.

So anyway, my point is this: I am going to start "Thankful Thursdays", and once that name starts to make me want to kill myself, I will change it to "Thankful Saturdays" and save us all from the cutesy alliteration.

Ready? (This is free-associated again, just like my Thanksgiving one, because planning is for suckers.)

(And... I'm just gonna do 10.)

  • I am thankful for toilets. Oooooohhhhh am I thankful to toilets. Because as much as I joke about wanting to use a chamber pot because of my laziness, I know I would regret having one for many reasons. (I threw out my humidifier because it was too hard to clean.) So, thank you indoor plumbing.
  • I am thankful for ovens and/or toaster ovens even though I only use them these days to heat up frozen Amy's dinners. Using toaster ovens allows me to feel superior to people who use microwaves and allows me to ride the line between completely dysfunctional and slightly functional- and to sit comfortably and warmly on my metaphorically and hypocritically high horse. (that sentance was too long, I know)
  • I am thankful for both coffee shops and for personal coffee makers. So, really, I am just thankful for coffee, and that I have the ability to get and drink it either way.
  • I am thankful for winter because it allows me to feel no guilt if I decide to stay inside all day, but IF I do go outside for a walk or an errand or whatever - I feel VERY accomplished like I am braving the elements and perservering through difficult conditions and I become very proud of myself. I also love the cold- so it is a win-win. I also love dramatic and sad music, which also feels appropriate to listen to while walking through the freezing, while feeling both proud of myself for doing something difficult, and dramatic and sad because of the music I am listening to. There are so many win-wins. So, yes, I am thankful for winter.

 

  • I am thankful that I don't have OCD like my brother and my sister, because I am able to live in filth and not mind too much.
  • I am thankful for my iPhone because I love it and it is so amazing and it is sort of like my small best friend.
  • I am thankful that I don't drink tea because tea is dumb.
  • I am thankful for emergen-C because I THINK it is cheaper than a multivitamin. Maybe not actually.
  • I am thankful for this snowfall because it actually feels like winter. (see above)
  • And finally, I am thankful for christmas lights, because it is INSTANT decor and you don't even need to be good at decorating.

Alrighty then. Let's see how many weeks I keep this up and/or before switching to Thankful Saturdays.

 

(I stole this from Google. You know how many bloggers do Thankful Thursdays? A LOT.)

 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

How to Act Chill

It is very important to pretend that you are chill and easy going, or else people will not want to be around you. 

If you want people to think you are chill, which is something you should definitely want, you have to act very calm and casual and seem like you don't care about anything and that nothing stresses you out, no matter how many trains you miss or how many people are behind you in line at the cash register while you are trying to put the change in the change pocket and the bills in the bills pocket and what do you do with the receipt? Etc. 

Here are more:

laugh. laugh everything off. especially when you would otherwise be embarrassed: laugh. pretend you think personal ridicule is hilarious.

keep a steady, calm and/or monotone voice often always so people never know if you are excited and/or anxious.


wear really casual clothes all the time so people think that you don't care about anything and are very comfortable in your own skin.

wear really nice clothes and act like you have no idea that they look nice.

drink but don't get alcoholism.

pretend you think talking is really easy. Especially small talk. Chill people don't mind talking casually and calmly about things. Pretend. And laugh, but don't laugh nervously. Laugh chill-y.

pretend you don't mind silence. Silence can be a frequent and unfortunate occurence. So act like you are fine with it.

Be nice but not too nice because overly nice people are compensating for deep inner pain and assholes are also compensating for deep inner turmoil. Strike a balance for god's sake.

Do hard things and don't let anyone know that you think they are hard. Like if you have to go grocery shopping, just do it. And laugh, and talk to people when they talk to you, etc.

Walk for the train. Don't run for the train even if it's leaving because... c'est la vie, as they'll say.

Be ok with being poor because life is about people anyway.

Be ok with being rich because life is about people anyway.

(that was very wise of me)

Don't act like you think are wise because everyone wants to be the wise one.

Don't act the world is a horrible place because that takes too much unchill energy.

Don't tell anyone if you think the world is a wonderful place because you need to remain mysterious.

Don't go on a diet because it means you aren't cool with how you are and also... I promise that the diet will make you very very unchill.

Read but only a little bit.

Sleep really well. and if you don't, pretend you sleep really well. chill people don't have insomnia.

Ride a bike around like a bohemian.

Consider shopping at thrift stores.

Don't take too many vitamins.

Don't wear too much makeup/cologne/perfume.

The end.




Friday, December 6, 2013

Things that you may not think you have to buy

Pens. Pens just seem to exist in drawers and bags. It seems like no matter WHAT there will always be a pen from a bank somewhere around for you to find. Until there ISN'T. Then you have to buy some. Also even when you do buy pens they run out of ink, which is always crazy. "Pen, you are useless to me already?! I only bought you 10 months ago"

Pencils. Ditto. But sir, are you using pencils!?!?!? Sharpening it for the bubbles on the SAT?!?!? (Actually I have no idea if this is how the SAT works. I forget.)

Umbrellas. There's always an umbrella lurking in the back of a closet, or behind a door, or in the backseat of a car. Until there ISN'T. Then you have to BUY one. And if you buy a cheap one it will break, and if you buy an expensive one you will leave it somewhere.

Underwear. You think underwear just grows on trees? I wish it DID.

Safety Pins. Ohhhh safety pins just live in the backs of drawers and the bottom of little darling pointless containers you have on your shelf that your aunt gave you when you were 6. They just seem to spawn themselves in bag pockets and jars of buttons n' things. But this isn't little house on the prairie. And safety pins don't reproduce or even grow in mollusks like pearls. So, you have to buy them.

Ditto Bobby Pins

Ditto Hair Things

USB chords, etc. That tub labeled 'electronics' that you shoved in the top of your closet is bound to have a USB chord. Well it probably does. But you only have it because you bought something and it came included. Ok this is a bad example.

Lemons. Lemons need to be bought! Take it from me. I always expect there to be lemons around and there never are.

Peanut Butter. Pantries don't come stocked with PB. You have to buy it, sadly.

Electricity. You need to buy it. That is always a little shocking to me.

Matches. Matches don't just exist waiting for you to use them. And they shouldn't be taken for granted. Fire is a commodity and hard to come by in the wild. Unless you are in a wildfire, but that goes without saying. My POINT: Matches need to be bought or stolen from those hostess tables at restaurants. I bought a candle last month in the sublet and I could NOT FIND matches or a lighter in ANY junk drawer. It was shocking and eye opening.

There you have it. That is all for now.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

I Am Thankful For A Lot (A Free-Association)

Everybody is posting Thankful posts on facebook. And I wasn't going to at all because I don't want to make everything all about me, but then I realized I could sort of one-up those short facebook posts and write a whole long list.

There are too many things I am thankful for, so I am just going to list the first things that come to mind. This is sort of a free-association. Ok:


I am thankful for curtains (that's the first thing I see) because they can make rooms dark when you sleep and also let you get dressed without your neighbors seeing you naked.

I am really, really thankful for clothes and sweaters, especially in the winter, EVEN though I basically don't have any clothes that aren't from Old Navy (and all of my socks and underwear have holes in them).

I am thankful that Old Navy has affordable clothes even though they fall apart and are probably made by small children who deserve better. I hope that is not offensive.

I am so thankful that I am sort of unemployed right now because I get to sleep in and spend holidays with my family. And I also now finally crave having a purpose, which is good.

I am thankful for cars even though they are destroying the planet. I am so thankful for gas even though its expensive and causing wars. (I love being driven places. I love driving. I wish I had a car. Ok.)

I am thankful for trains because they are fast.

I am thankful for buses because they are cheap.

I am thankful that trains AND buses have bathrooms and hand sanitizer in them. I am thankful that highways have rest stops. I am thankful that I don't have OCD and can use public restrooms.

I am thankful for bottled water even though the plastic bottles are never going to decompose.

I am thankful for my phone because it is amazing and beautiful, even though the case is discolored because lipstain exploded in my bag.

I am thankful that I don't care about clothes shopping because I don't have any money to clothes shop anway, (even though the fallout is that I don't have any clothes).

I am thankful for the kindle app on my phone because I can read self help books WHEREVER I GO.

I am thankful for tv shows because it gives me fun things to do, and also makes me feel like I am part of the world, I can pretend it's acting "research", and it gives me bonding things to talk about with people. I might not have any friends if I didn't watch tv. Well I could be friends with people who like Harry Potter. Ok moving on.

I am thankful for New York City for being cool and expensive and pretty and exciting and not too far from where my parents live. I am thankful for Philadelphia for being cool and not as expensive and small and not far from New York City.

I am thankful for Canada for existing.

I am thankful for forests even though there are bugs and coyotes and poison ivy.

I am thankful for phones in general that keep people in touch, even though I get stressed whenever someone calls.

I am thankful for the cold weather to make me feel like I have something difficult to do (going outside).

I am thankful for real fireplaces because they are my favorite smell.

I am thankful for alcohol for making me sociable- and for tasting great and painful in that mouth burny way.

I am thankful that I ate pie for lunch and I don't even care.

I am thankful that I am seeing my cousins today and that I will get to drink wine and eat potatoes even though I am probably going to have to deflect questions about dating and "what I am doing next". (See above about unemployment)

I am thankful for spotify and headphones. Seriously I do not know how people existed in the 70s without portable music.

I am thankful for singing even though I never realize when I am singing to myself and bothering people.

I am thankful for this cool, weird holiday when we are supposed to get together with people we like and be thankful for our lives, even though I know the original one was all centered around stealing land and genocide, etc.

I am thankful for the abundance of food, EVEN though it's all mostly factory farmed. 

(Also did you know that wild turkeys sleep in TREES?!)


I am thankful for a million other things that would take too long to list right now, becuase I am basically thankful for everything- even though nothing is perfect. That's ok.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, October 28, 2013

You Deserve Everything Probably

Everything: Every food, every tv show, every second of rest, infinite couch time, hours upon hours of no plans, kindness and understanding from everyone, no emails I don't want to respond to, nothing to do the next day or two, nothing to decide, no phone calls- (GOD no phone calls). Etc.

But, nothing like professional massages- because that requires small talk and pleasantries.

When:

Winter- It is cold and dark so it is important to take time for yourself. Also to eat lots of food because otherwise you can die from lack of insulation.

Summer- It is so hot and hard to move fast in the summer - also the sun drains you even if you are doing nothing.

Auditions/Interviews/First Dates- You deserve at least a full day of recovery after any of these things.

During a hangover- Science actually says we deserve everything during hangovers because of electrolytes/sodium and needing to replenish any and all fuel. And also rest and relaxation for your liver but also sometimes some more alcohol for your headache.

During drinking- You need to eat everything you can so you don't get as bad of a hangover.

Doing one productive thing- "I crossed something off my list so now I deserve 3 netflix episodes."

When it is raining- "It is raining which is god's way of telling me to sit inside and do whatever I want."

When something bad happens- When an acquaintance's father is diagnosed with cancer, "it is important that I don't do anything because it would be disrespectful to carry on as if nothing happened."

When something good happens- "Something good happened! I will give myself credit for this! Reward time! Reward time!"

When I'm tired- Um, I'm tired, so leave me alone.

Brunch- Brunch is a special occasion. Restaurants won't even let you have it on days that are not weekends, and you are allowed to drink alcohol and have coffee at the same time which is amazing but also a hard thing to juggle. Remember- you are SUPPOSED to eat things that are confusing because nobody knows whether it is lunch or breakfast or heaven. So order as many meals as you want. Get an omelette AND French Toast AND the assorted pastries plate. Homemade jam? Well, you have to order the bread basket. But keep in mind, if they don't have real maple syrup, you are not having real brunch, just FYI.

Before brunch- The hours before brunch are a confusing time when you will probably be hungry and not know whether to eat breakfast or not because brunch isn't starting til like 1. Eat.

After brunch- That brunch was long and your body is processing alcohol and caffeine so go lie down and watch tv for the rest of the day. It is the freaking weekend.

Period- Everything is hard so I deserve EVERYTHING.

In airplanes- Airplanes mean that everything is up the air. Literally, that wasn't even a joke. Who knows what time it is, and WHO knows when's the next time you'll get your hands on candy coated nuts. WHO knows when you will even be able to walk again. There could be unforeseen delays, layovers, or future baggage issues. Your hotel could have lost your reservation or maybe all of the restaurants and delis will be closed by the time you get to your destination and you won't be able to eat until the next morning. You could be starved out for 2 days. Nothing is certain. You are stuck, and you are going incredibly fast through the air. Our bodies probably think that it has been HOURS or DAYS in the span of minutes because it is being dragged through time and space at an absurd speed that no creator or evolution could have accounted for, THAT is why you are so hungry! So eat or you might die. Point is- follow your heart because airplanes are technically allowing you to not live on planet earth for a little while and that is a crazy thing, treat yo' self. Also, who knows if the plane will crash. Just saying.

In airports- You also deserve everything before and after your plane ride because of all of the reasons I listed above. So you need to gather everything you can while you are still on planet earth.

At night- Well, nighttime is a time when you deserve stuff because you just lived a whole day and did stuff, and even if you didn't, you stayed alive all day and probably worried about all the things you weren't doing, so it is time to relax and let go of your burdens.

In the morning- Morning is hard because you have to get up and get ready to be expected to do stuff. You need to eat to fuel and also you need to get dressed and that is very hard. So bring some light into your life.

Midday- This is a hard time because you have been doing stuff for a while, but there is so much more to go. So, find a way to pamper yourself if possible.

When roommates are out- "This could be my last chance to be alone ever again in my whole life. I won't let it go to waste."

Vacation- Obviously, I'm on vacation leave me alone. I don't want to go to a museum!

After vacations- Vacations are always filled with doing hard stuff, plus you were probably just on a plane for a long time. So, you deserve everything.

When I have money- I have MONEY, I can buy whatever itunes songs I WANT. I ain't doing nothin I don't wanna do.

When I have no money- It is important to pamper oneself in times of lack in order to foster feelings of abundance, or at least that is what The Secret said. So YES, I WILL buy that 7 dollar cookie and 6 dollar cappuccino. Hello universe, here I am.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Side Eating Position: The Best Foods to Eat in Bed

Here are the things that do NOT get crumbs in your bed in the side eating position. (Eating on your side). Sure, you can obviously eat sitting up  with your plate below you "but then you may as well be eating at a table", I always say to myself.

NO CRUMBS:

RAW NUTS - do not keep your mind in the gutter. Or do if you want. But raw tree nuts do not leave any crumbs in your bed. I did it last night and nada. Drawbacks: Do not actually fill you up, can taste like sadness, hard on your chewing muscles.

Bananas- Bananas are pretty safe bets to eat in bed, except that you have a peel and that is awkward because you probably shouldn't put a decomposable peel in your bedroom trashcan because who empties their bedroom trashcan on a regular basis? And also fruit flies and cockroaches, etc. 

Dried Fruit- Dried fruit will leave no crumbs, but WILL leave your hands sticky and your teeth coated in fructose, If you plan on just conking out, you may want to beware, but again, we are already eating in bed so really, how much worse can it get.

Cheese- Cheese will not leave crumbs, but let me present some obstacles: Cheese is not normally in snack form. If you want to just bring the block of cheese with you and bite into it like an apple, I support that. But then if you don't finish the whole thing you will have to get out of bed to put it back in the fridge, or leave it on your bedside table all night. Both viable options, just something to think about. The other option is to precut it up, but if you are eating in bed I doubt you want to do that, though I have done that too. Another thing, is that you PROBABLY WANT to eat your cheese with crackers, and THAT will leave crumbs. BEWARE. EVEN if you eat is sitting up with your mouth chewing "carefully" over a plate... and in that case: just bring your pillow to the kitchen table.

Meat- Do not eat meat in bed. Though meat will, generally, not leave crumbs. However, meat normally has sauces, and that can be...eh, OK. It WORKS. I have DONE it successfully before, but there is just something a little too far gone about eating leftover lamb in your bed in side eating position- It just ain't right. And I bet the bottom of your plate or takeout container will have some sauce or gravy on it that you won't realize till later. And that is sad.



Ice Cream- ok... Ice cream has no CRUMBS, BUT. But, you are going to have to get back out of bed and put it back in the freezer. Quickly. Unless you eat the whole thing. Which is ok too.

Ok, last one,

Bars- Bars are a half ok. Actually, eh. Bars barely work. Bars crumble: larabars, Luna bars, etc etc -they crumble. The only benefit to bed eating is that they can sit by your bedside table for infinity, not going bad til your OPEN IT. But, in the mornings I have found weird larabar clumps in my bed- woo. Yea. Bad example.


CRUMBS:

Everything else- cookies, bread, crackers, cake, granola (GRANOOLLLLAAA), donuts, artisinal donuts, scones, muffins, cereal, pizza, CHIPS. Etc.

Some notables/confusing ones below:

Noodles- Noodles will freaking fall on your comforter and you know it.

Chocolate: OOOH you THINK chocolate is safe. But chocolate SLIVERS off and gets on your clothes and sheets and in between your boobs and MELTS, and then you wake up and think that there is poop everywhere, until you smell it and realize it is just chocolate.

Avocados- I do not recommend. You need prep, you need a spoon, you need salt, etc. Maybe guacamole, but then the chips... Just stay away from creamy fruits.

Regular Fruits- Most fruits are too juicy for bed. Grapes being an exception, and some berries, but berries have very deep staining juices so be wary. Apples are stupid and leave dumb cores that sit on bedside tables and get brown and call to cockroaches with their annoying silent apple songs.

Pickles- Pickles would be fun but how, what on, paper towels? How much water are you going to drink and then how many times do you feel like peeing? But pickle juice on your sheets is hilarious. I support it.

Vegetables- WHY?

If you fail following my recommendations, that's ok,  just take a few minutes to brush off your sheets the next day, or whatever day you notice, and laugh to yourself about how lucky you are that cockroaches never climb into beds. (That is a fact I made up and I never want to hear any rebuttle or ANYTHING else about it.)

Happy 'side eating position' eating.



(I stole this picture randomly from google, but I want this book)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Sleecrastinating

I am going to talk about all the great ways to procrastinate going to bed, if that's something you are into. If you don't know what I am talking about, it is a mild form of masochism, and I am trying to get it recognized as a real condition. (No that's a lie, I barely care enough about anything to go to any difficult length for anything, especially something this stupid.)

But anyway, for now let's call it: Sleecrastination. (pronounced Slicrastination)

Let me count the ways.....

Eating

Eating is a great way to sleecrastinate, because it is fun and addictive and delicious. It can also be salty or sweet or both. Cold or hot, hard or soft. You can even eat in bed, though that is a step further into dysfuction, and even if you think you are not getting crumbs in your bed, YOU ARE.) Then add in the fact that for me, I normally don't eat enough during the day, I cannot fall asleep with even 3% hunger (maybe 1-2% is possible for sleep, no more), and that I also enjoyed a very impressive binge-eating disorder for most of my life- so food is a nighttime given. Anyway it is a great way to procrastinate, and I recommend it. I do not recommend binge eating though. But, don't let me talk you out of living your dreams.

Watching Television

Preferably something on Netflix because then you can just watch one after another after another. But old fashioned tv works too, because tv is literally made to hook you into watching the next show until infinity o'clock. Ignore the burning in your eyes, just turn down the brightness to trick your eyes into thinking they aren't exahusted.

Chatting with People

People are GREAT. WHO wants great, virtual conversations to end? Now, with smart phones, conversations literally NEVER NEED TO END. EVER. Not in the BATHROOM, not in BED, not EVER. NEVER. You can talk your whole life long to people who aren't even there. It is a horrible, wonderful thing.

Internet Rabbit Holes

We all know that the Internet can take you down some dark and twisted paths. Some of them center around imdb, some around youtube, some around webmd and your imminent death. Some around conspiracy theories, some around fandoms or message boards, some around tumblr, facebook, twitter, blogs, etc. I don't know you, maybe you are a scientist and you can't stop looking at websites with periodic tables on them. Who knows, but whoever you are, the internet has something for you. Even for the religious. Even for the anorexics. There will be something for you to surf and devour and sleecrastinate with. For hours. 

Food + __________________

Add food to any of the above, even food. If you add food to food you will have double sleecrastination material, and also you can eat even more mindlessly

Phone Rabbit Holes

This is not different really from internet, BUT, once you think you are safely in bed, ready to grab the remaining 6.58 hours before your alarm goes off. Then you can grab your phone and pointlessly open up twitter, then facebook, then youtube, then a game, then your horoscope (what was my day supposed to be like yesterday?), and on and on. Refresh your facebook feed a million times, it is a hollow feeling, but it is inspired by the buried hope that something exciting may be about to happen. And hope is a good thing.

Write a Blog Post

Start writing a blog post right when you are about to get in bed, and you will have something completely pointless to focus on for... as long as your dumb little heart desires!

Now GET to sleecrastinating! And don't forget to complain about how exhausted you are the entire next day.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I Broke a Promise to God and I Hope He is Not Still Mad

When I was young, my relationship to god/praying was very much the "standard catholic child":

I said the "Our Father". And sometimes the "Hail Mary"- which I messed up the order of all the time. And sometimes "Glory Be". But most importantly I made a list of things I wanted and then I prayed/begged for them. Then I would pray to bless certain family members and friends if I had time and remembered.

Amen.

I imagined god as a the standard bearded man who sat in the sky. Though sometimes he just had a huge face and no body.

(I have never prayed directly to Jesus. That has always felt weird to me.)

Also, when I was in catholic kindergarten, I always had flash images of a naked Jesus doing weird dances. And it stressed me out SO much because I knew that Jesus and God both were sitting in the sky, KNOWING what I was seeing in my brain. And I couldn't stop it. The more I tried to get my brain to not picture naked dancing Jesus, the more I pictured it. I couldn't even pray about it because then it would really bring it to their attention. Ohhhhh, the stress of a 6 year old.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time praying for really stupid things. I spend a lot of time in middle school praying to be prettier. I spent a lot of time in high school praying to be skinnier. And I spent a good amount of time praying for a new design and furniture for my room when my mom said no. Weirdly enough, that one worked.

I also spent a lot of time when I was 11 secretly praying for a dog with my brother in his room because my mom had said absoLUTELY no. So praying was our only option. And again- it worked- we got a dog. But then my mom gave it away and got another smaller dog. And then she gave that one away too.

In retrospect, we clearly should have prayed to keep the dog.

But, the most dramatic prayer was when I was a junior in High School. I was auditioning for the understudy of Maria in West Side Story at a big professional theater downtown. Besides the fact that my mom dyed my hair pitch black so I'd "look more hispanic" (the kind of black hair that looks blue in the light), covered me in bronzer which rubbed off all over the white sweater I was wearing over my outfit, which was carefully picked by my mom so I looked as young and innocent and non-curvy as possible. And besides the hour I spent before the audition trying to cover my bad skin with concealer that matched the bronzer, and the horrible panic I felt as I saw it systematically rub off all over my white sweater, and the intense stress I had over a headcold and how it was affecting my voice--- besides all off that- the audition went well. Surprisingly though, because I must have looked like an absurd, shaking, orange MESS.

So in the days following as I waited and hoped for a call from the theater, I made a hard and fast bargain with god. I said: God, I want this so much. If I get this part, I will give up diet coke until the end of the 3 month run of the show.

This was a huge sacrifice for me at the time, but something I felt I could also benefit from.

I gave up diet coke right away as a kickstart. Then I got the part. And good on my word, I kept away from the diet coke. Then about 2 months in, I got a little antsy. Does God reaaally care if I have some diet coke? Also, is god even real?

And then I caved. I had diet coke, like THREE TIMES. I got lazy, I got cocky, I felt like I was invincible. And I convinced myself that it was no big deal, and that even if God was real, he had bigger fish to fry than little old orange me going back on my word by slowly poisoning myself with chemically sweetened cola.

My point is not that praying works, or doesn't work, or that god is or isn't a bearded man in the sky. Or that what I did was stupid or brilliant or hilarious. No, I am just saying that I made a promise to a God I believed in, and broke the promise when I thought I was too cool. I guess I'm a great person or something.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Social Media #MadeMeAnAttentionWhore

Here are some ways that Facebook, twitter, tumblr, buzzfeed, spotify, message boards, and blogs have affected my life our lives.

If you don't agree with this article, go read an encyclopedia in the library and then write a postcard to your mom about it. See if I care or even know you did that.

Ok:

1. First of all. I cannot read anything long. I cannot do it. I skim everything. Paragraphs must be very, very short. Like, this one is already getting too long.

Sometimes I can't even read a whole tweet.

2. I need to have visuals with things. If I do not see a picture, the article isn't real. That is also what they teach you in "Successful Blogging 101", which is not a real course but rather any number of blog posts on any number of blogs that teach you how to blog* DUH.

It means nothing. But, it is cute, right?
I stole this picture from google images. 
That is bad form in blogging. But I do it all the timmmmeeeee.

*Many people have WHOLE internet businesses devoted to teaching YOU how to have an internet business. That is sort of parallel to a hairdresser having a hair salon where the clients come in and sit in the chair and watch the hair dresser do her own hair, in order for the client to to learn how to do it themselves. Like, thanks for the advice but do you actually have any skills besides doing your OWN hair? (this paragraph is too long)

3. Facebook, whenever I log on, my eyes widen in anticipation of seeing those red notifications of approval. Somebody contacted me. Somebody liked my picture. Somebody commented on my status. Oh GGODDDD, just an invite to like that dumb page again? Ugh.

4. Twitter: Ditto for twitter. Did ANYONE star my tweet about whether birds pee as well as poop? No?! ugh.

5. Facebook is so motherfreaking dangerous and obsessive for anyone with a crush. Everything you put on there you hope they see and think is super cool. It's the proof of your cool life, and also WHAT DO THEY THINK OF MY PROFILE?

And if they LIKE one of your posts? Forget it. Butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

Speaking of:

6. Searching word meanings. This is mostly a good thing:


How else would I have been able to confirm that it means "surprise" or "mock surprise". (I sort of used it correctly.)

And, Urban Dictionary came in VERY useful to research the word "shorty" the other day, and to help me figure out whether I was being hit on or not. It turns out: not.

7. tumblr. Ugh I don't even understand tumbr yet. I'd like to comment but the only way is to reblog, but I don't want to reblog because the post doesn't fit with my theme. How do I get more followers? My home feed is so overwhelming to read. I can't handle it.

8. Buzzfeed just proves how everything now needs to be short, and mostly pictures. And in numbered lists. That is why this post has a numbered list.

9. Spotify is the app that let's you stream music but shares all the info with your facebook friends whether you want to or not. This has left me with the haunting feeling that everything I do on my phone or youtube or wherever is being watched and broadcasted to everyone, and actually apparently it is. #BigBrotherisobsessedwithme

10. #Hashtags. Hashtags are so, so dumb. And only slightly useful since everyone uses them for the wrong thing. Wonderfully, hashtags and blog "tags" are a new and unexpected medium for jokes. Since the point of a tag is to categorize your post to allow others to easily find it, or to draw other readers to you, people use them to add ironic or unhelpful tags for the sake of comedy (this paragraph is too long)

The only issue I have is when people make up hashtags that mean nothing to anyone ever and aren't even funny. I guess why do I care? I don't even care. Whatever.

Also, now people use hashtags when speaking mostly for attempted humor, sort of like when I started using "slash" in sentences instead of saying "and". I really don't know how I feel about spoken hashtags yet. But I bet there will be a chunk of time when I'll be obsessed with hashtagging everything I say and it will drive everyone insane. #iAin'tbovvered

11. Blogs are so bizarre. There are BLOGGERS out there, who identify as BLOGGERS and make their life and money and friends off of their blog and their blog's identity. And it is super weird! But super cool! #shutupimnotjealous

12. Message boards. Have you ever gotten sucked into a message board? If you haven't GET OUT OF HERE, you are TOO superior to read this post. I have gotten sucked into Harry Potter message boards, Doctor Who message boards, and some diet culty message boards, and probably some questionable Livejournals.

Oh the hours I've wasted #RIPgryffindortower.net)

Message boards are the cults of the internet. THEY ARE THE CULTS OF THE INTERNET. Be very wary.

13. I will not call if I can email. I also may not call even if I have to call. But I will always email. Remember that: I don't hate you, I just hate human contact.

I will also facebook chat (my specialty), text, gchat, or facebook tag you on my wall or your wall. I will rarely tweet at you, because I think that looks really messy.

14. And for one last final point: being in high school/college during the first generation where "everything was on the internet".... um, the LIBRARY?! HELL NO. And even as someone who LIKES reading and literature, I still used Sparknotes.com for lots of my english books in high school- merely because I could. 

***

There you have it. Some very real ways that the internet is changing and ruining my life our lives.

And I didn't mention all the wonderful things the internet can do. Oh well, make your own list.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Eating a Whole Box of Fudge Has Repercussions

When I was in 8th grade, my friend Sarah gave me a box of homemade chocolate fudge around Christmastime. Which is, you know, so great and festive and nice. And even more exciting, because for whatever cosmic reason, I didn't have much fudge-eating experience. But I did know that eating it would be great, and I was excited to eat it all by myself and not share any of it with my family.



So I brought the box of fudge with me in my backpack to babysit my little cousins, to eat after they went to bed while I did my homework.

I had been a champion over-eater and seasoned food-hoarder for years. I was very talented. This was largely in reaction to my household's food being annoyingly healthy. Lots of Whole Foods shopping and all these different weird diets my mom went on: phases of macrobiotic and the Blood Type Diet, etc. Aduki Beans and Brown Rice, Ezekiel Bread, Almond Butter, no dairy, Kale before it was popular, and "quinoa pasta" before quinoa was a thing. It didn't matter to me that my dad made me normal french toast on Saturday mornings with processed ingredients while my mom was still asleep. That wasn't enough for my addled brain.

So I became a gifted rebellion eater. I was very skilled at eating as much junk food as I possibly could whenever the opportunity struck- and I was very good at keeping junk food top of the mind as my #1 priority. I was also a stick-figure all through childhood, so my eating obsession seemed more just like a weird quirk to anyone else. All I did at friend's houses was eat their gushers and cheez wiz and fruity pebbles, because I literally felt it was "now or never". It did not go completely unnoticed. Once when my mom was picking me up from a playdate, the other mother asked her if she starved me.

So food was my drug of choice from age 2 to about 23. But I still didn't know much about fudge or its density- and that it's basically just hardened butter and sugar. I guess I had spent all my olympic rebellion-eating on cookies and snickers and pecan sandies. Fudge was a specialty food which I didn't understand.

So that night in 2002, once my little cousins had fallen asleep and the dogs stopped barking at the ghost in the corner of the room, I tried a piece of fudge, and it was great. So naturally, I ate the whole box.

I felt sick, but that was normal. Just another day in the life. This was probably the first year I started realizing that my olympic eating might start to have some repercussions, but drug addictions are hard to kick.

I went home that night feeling sick and full. Sort of sicker than usual. But whatever, it would pass.

When I woke up early in the morning, the room was spinning and I threw up three times in the toilet. Woops.

When I casually told Sarah that her fudge was great and I ate the whole box and then woke up and threw it all up, she looked at me like I was out of my mind. I thought it was just a pretty amusing and dramatic bodily reaction to a normal activity of mine: eating a hell of a lot. But then she told me that I probably put my body into some kind of diabetic shock because I basically just ate a whole bag of sugar and whole box of butter.

You'd think this could have been a wake-up call to stop my careless ways, but it wasn't.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Sheets Should Not Be This Expensive

Here are some things that should not be so stupidly expensive:

Sheets



Holy mother of bedsores, I can't believe how expensive pain old cotton sheets are. I have never considered it before, because this is the first time I have bought my own. Somehow I have gotten by the past few years on the sheets my mom bought me while with her in Bed Bath and Beyond as a kind but strange gift.

Who knew they were a million dollars per square inch? And who knows why they have to be Egyptian or which thread-count number is considered acceptable? And, being someone who has trouble getting to sleep anyway, does that mean I SHOULD spend my life's savings on sheets? Or does that mean that it will be even more pointless?

These were all questions that I stressed over for two hours looking at amazon, bed bath and beyond, macy's, then... anthropologie (because I was just curious what actual fancy designery sheets cost), then urban outfitters and considered getting their $79 "sateen" sheets. Then I realized that sateen means satin and I might feel like a cartoon version of a hooker. May as well buy a heart-shaped bed while I'm at it.

The only cheap sheets on Amazon are made of microfiber, and have some very angry reviews: "THESE ARE NOT COTTON, THESE ARE MICROOOFFIIIBBBERR", as well as some good reviews: "these sheets are SO SOFT! wow I am ordering MORE" and I didn't know what to do. Nobody was guiding me. I felt like it was too late in my life to ask my mom and didn't feel like getting out my phone and texting her anyway.

I ended up buying some sheets, sort of reasonably priced considering the other things I was seeing, from Target. Some of the reviews said they were great. Some said they were scratchy and fell apart. I took my chances. In fact, I bought two sets in a moment of complete sheet-mania. (I also bought some much-needed large baskets to go in the weird ikea shelf thing under the tv.)

Now I just need to remember to wash my sheets and we'll be good to go.

Salmon

Salmon is really expensive. Especially the wild kind, which is the kind we apparently are supposed to be getting.

Berries

They are expensive and only keep you full for about ten minutes.

Olive Oil

Unbelievable. And apparently 'the mafia' cuts it with cheaper oils too. (This is supposed to be a real thing. There is a documentary on it (that I haven't seen).)

Air Conditioners

Haven't they been around for a while?

Computers

Haven't they been around for a while?

Trains and Planes

Haven't they been around for a while?!

TVs

Ditto. And I really do need a new tv, mine is 4 years old and from Walmart and if I turn the sound above 25, the speakers make a shaky quaky sound. And tv is very important to me.

Cool Cheese from the fancy section of the store

"Cool cheese, all I want to do is buy you and eat you. Why do you have to be 13 dollars for such a small wedge?"

Diamonds

I'm sorry but diamonds are boring and, frankly, everywhere. They do not seem to be a precious commodity anymore. At all. What is the point? Sometimes I consider selling the expensive diamond necklace my grandparent's gave me for money to get laser hair removal, but then I remember I may have lost it. And I had better find it.

Flowers

As stupid as I think diamonds are, I WOULD like to buy myself flowers! Wouldn't that be a nice romantic thing to do for myself before I get home and eat cheese on thin crisps and watch Adventure Time? But no, they are so expensive, and they don't even LAST.

Ok.

That's all for now.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Universe's Small Sandwich Gifts

I just spat a big bite of tuna sandwich into my hand- because the phone rang, I am the receptionist, and I had to pick it up. Then I tipped the half-chewed chunk gently onto a napkin and ran to interrupt the wrong person for the wrong call, ran back to my desk, transferred the call to the right person, and picked back up the mushy blob and put it back in my mouth. Sort of like I am simultaneously playing the 3 roles of baby bird, mama bird, and mediocre receptionist.

As soon as I took another bite, the phone rang again. Spit. Repeat.

I have tried to answer the phone with a full mouth before, and it hasn't go over well. Apparently, if you have a huge bite of food in your mouth, it actually does sound like you have a huge bite of food in your mouth.

In the moment, the only other option is to take a painful, unchewed swallow. But then I might choke, and also, in my defense, this was an especially delicious, artisan tuna sandwich from 'Wichcraft. And it was free and up for grabs in the refrigerator, leftover from a lunch meeting they had earlier in the office. As soon as I saw it in there, I knew that it was a small gift from the universe meant just for me, because today I am especially hungry and especially poor.

I also just recently read some spiritual advice saying something to the effect of: "accept the universe's freebies". So I did. Life lessons APPLIED.

So, not wanting to snub the universe, I did everything I could to still get to enjoy the universe's 4 pm small sandwich gift. (Even though, who knows if this was supposed to be a 2nd lunch? First dinner? Sandwich snack? Hard to say.)

This whole thing may be a sad metaphor for life: Try to enjoy something special, spit it out, run around in circles, and then don't even have enough self respect to let it go and instead shove it in your mouth again.

Or an inspiring metaphor: You are the source- the trinity: mother bird, baby bird, and telecommunicator.

Hard. To. Say. But my hands smell like tuna fish now.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

things that really bum me out.


  • the desert - everything about the desert is horrible. It is too hot, everything is dead, there is no water, there are hard rocks on the ground that probably hurt your butt if you try to sit down, occasional sandstorms, cruel mirages, and thieves. There are lizards, there are snakes, and there are cactuses everywhere. Don't try to tell me cactuses aren't awful because they are... just... obviously horrible.
  • having no time for dinner - now your life is busy and important and depressing
  • texas - or "the idea of ", because there are no seasons, and there is a desert all around and to the west, and lots of people are obsessed with hats and hair, but they hate my gay friends


  • the concept of going into outer space - space is kind of like the desert, but even worse, because there is literally nothing. I can't even fathom how hard it would be to enjoy food, or company, or sleep, or happiness, if I was shot into nothingness in what looks like a very uncomfortable outfit, in a big metal compartment. Where are they even going? And WHY? And do they have wine in space? I bet they don't. Can people hear in space? I am thinking no. There are no seasons, no greenery, no gravity, and who KNOWS what temperature it is, and there are a million ways to die in space. It really, really bums me out.
  • malls - as if I didn't hate shopping enough. Now I am lost inside a huge maze of dressing rooms and the only food for miles is Chick-Fil-A and Taco Bell. No.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Why Don't I Want To Travel?

Everybody wants to travel.

And everyone seems to say: "Be Young! Be Free! Travel!"

TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL.

But what if I don't WANT to travel?

To me, travel is stressful, hurts my feet, and makes me want to take a week-long nap.

...I would, however, like to go on a lovely, free, non-stressful trip to England, Scotland, and back to the West of Ireland. I would like this trip to be able to take as long as it needs (no work waiting for me and lots of flexibility with plane-travel days and jet-lag recovery days). While I am there I would like to enjoy lots of sleeping and only mild/passive sight seeing. Lots of walks. Lots of food. Frequent drinks. And basically, be with fun friends that are a lot chiller than me, and remind me that nothing matters and everything is good. (I would also do this with the "love-of-my-life", but I have no timeframe for when they will come around and when this could happen. I could be 60 by then for all I know. Must plan without them.)

While I was abroad I would like to make friends with the people there, and just like hang and chill and go to their dinner parties and their cool like, underground comedy clubs and stuff. (....Do they have comedy in Europe?).

I would also like to be able to spend unlimited amounts of money on hotels and fresh squeezed orange juice and maybe buy a bicycle and then just donate it back to the country at the end.

I would also go to Italy, maybe Greece, maybe Prague and other pretty Eastern European countries. But only if I had a translator constantly by my side making sure that I can order my food properly. It is not that I refuse to try these languages, it is just that in France I have been ridiculed and/or yelled at by enough French people while trying to speak their language that I have been scared out of language adventures. (Oh, have you heard DIFFERENTLY about the French? Oh, so had I. Believe me.)

So, yea. I am still "young", for now, and now is the time for ultimate exploration. I do believe that. But to me... "travel".... I just... I just don't care.

Sure, I like the mountains. I like seeing pretty things. I would definitely like to take a mini 4 day break upstate in a forest by a lake somewhere chopping wood and drinking maple syrup. Yea! Sure!

But as far as international travel is concerned, I would even rather MOVE to Sweden or Portugal or Turkey before I just went there and spent a week stressing myself out in museums and with maps as a tourist.

WOA........ REALIZATIONTIME: It's not that I don't like the idea of being in distant locales. I just don't like being a TOURIST.

So... that is it, I guess.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Posts I Never Wrote: Part 5

Continued. From. Here. Ok?




When searching through my posts drafts- this is what I found:


"As Soon as I knew it was a Robot..."
"I said: "As soon as I knew it was a robot calling, I hung up the phone. But then the robot called me back!!!!"." Where can a post like this go? Nowhere, that's where.

***

I Just Symbolically Deleted My OkCupid Account
Not like I ever actually used it. But, you know, I will never forget those 3 bad dates as long as I live. I'm never going on an internet date again. And the universe can just deal with it.

***

Green Means Stop
Sometimes I accidentally stop at green lights if I am trying to drive cautiously. Normally late at night. Whatever, no big deal. That's why I won't make it a whole post.

***


Was that a baby or a cat?
I heard a weird cry in the middle of the night. I couldn't tell if it was a baby or a cat.

Comedy gold.

***


Cobb Salads
Not only are Cobb Salads good- but they are hilarious. Who invented them? "Ah, yea I think I will order a salad with chicken. And add some cheese, too, ..umm, some blue cheese. Yum. Thanks. -----Wait, actually, not sure there is enough protein or salt there, some bacon too maybe? Yes, bacon too. Thanks. Yay, that'll be good. Wait! I'm worried that this not enough protein. What do you think? Can you add an egg or two? Thank you!!!! Wait, wait. Wait sorry. Sorry. I really don't want to be hungry. Umm, do you guys have avocado? Yea, add some avocado too. And can I have blue cheese dressing? And olives. Ok, that is it. Thank you.--- You're bringing bread to the table, right?" 

I guess if I ever become a stand-up comedian I'll do bits on Cobb Salads, and Robot Cold Calls.

"Robots!? Whhh-- why? Right, guys?? What! Hilarious, right!??"

*Crickets from the audience......*


Friday, April 19, 2013

This is What Taxes Are

As far as I know and have gathered over my sheltered little shell-of-a-life, taxes are money you pay to the government in repayment for living here. Sort of like country rent.



For the most part, this is the first year I have not been working under the table as a babysitter. That is actually a lie, because I had taxes on quite a few professional shows I worked in as an actor. Also that one summer I waitressed for 2 months. But my kind father, along with his handy accountant, allowed me to remain a sort of swaddled-baby-actor/babysitter for a while. This morning I was trying to type "God" into my phone, and instead I typed "Dad". Analyze THAT!

So anyway, now that I am turning into a terrible toddler version of an adult, and learning to walk and considering potty training myself, here are the other things I have learned about taxes over the years:

They take from your income because they really need money for roads and wars and stuff. So taking from your income makes sense because that's where the money's at, yo! This works out, sort of, because they tax people with higher income higher, and lower income lower. Generally. I hear.

I have learned recently that there are federal taxes, state taxes, and in New York Citayyyy: City Taxezzzz. And you can screw yourself over by checking the wrong box on your W-2 forms, because then you get all your money upfront but forget that you have to pay it back when the spring rolls around. If you check the other box on the W-2, then you get way less money week to week, but come spring, you may be refunded and smiling.

I also hear if you own property, you have to pay taxes on that shit, too. So you rent a life in America with your taxes, buy a home, then pay rent on life in America on the home you bought in the life you rent in America. It is all fine though, because school buses and firefighters and libraries are really nice to have. And that is all part of renting life in America. (This is not a comment on the American system. This is an educational post on taxes.)

You can lie on your taxes, but if you are audited, you will go to JAIL like the girl's dad from my 2nd grade class. She thought he was in China for 2 years, but we all knew he was in jail for tax fraud.

You can "write things off" pertaining to your business. If you are in the business of being an actor, you can write off haircuts and gel-tipped-nail manicures and audition clothes and.... basically everything, because actors can be very tricky little bastards. I have never done this. Heresay.

Writing things off doesn't mean the government refunds everything you bought for your business like I hoped it meant. It means that ... they refund some taxy percentage of the items so you are not paying taxes on... the items your bought for your business. I have no idea if that is true. I just made that up. Google it yourself.

There is such a thing as a 1099 Tax form for freelance-y people and would-be-under-the-table people, and apparently these are bitches to work with, tax-wise.

Non-wealthy and wealthy people alike often pay other potentially non-wealthy people to professionally figure out their tricky taxes, and pay them a lot of money to figure out how to not pay as much money... so I assume it evens out. But, it creates jobs for CPAs and keeps our American economy going strong in the springtime.

April 15th is the day, man! I literally went to the bank, had them carve me a check from my account, put it in an envelope and mailed it at 1 pm on April 15th this year. My version of sky-diving. And no, I did not sleep the entire night before: "Omg omg omg I can't believe I haven't mailed my taxes yet. I don't have any more checks. What was I waiting for? Omg omg omg".

I have learned that Turbo Tax can be free if you don't let them trick you into clicking the wrong button! Who knew?

Here is the moral of the story:

The more you have, the more your owe. It is a classic case of "be careful what you wish for". This concept is one of the reasons I have realized I will never own a house, even if somebody gave me the money for the house. Because I may never have the money to pay for the taxes, let alone keep the roof from caving in and paint from peeling off the siding.



Next year when I turn 26 and have to learn all about health insurance, I will teach you what I've learned then, too.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Sex and the City's Unrealistic Use of Fate

There are probably hundreds or thousands of reasons why Sex and the City sets unrealistic expectations of life and love and being a skinny adult and potential alcoholic-sex-addict in the city.

I have just started rewatching because my roommate has NEVER SEEN THEM (except on TBS), so we are on the first season, back when there were still talking heads, and when Carrie had unlimited miscellaneous corportate/financey/lawyery friends, and also a "friend" named Skipper: a Tom Hanks doppleganger who is so awkward and sweet and dates Miranda, and even though he is annoying, someone should have married him probably.

Don't get me wrong: I love you Sex and the City, you made that summer in college that I sprained my ankle and ate my way through my parent's kitchen a blast. You offset the stress of watching the first 3 seasons of Lost all in a row, by being light and fluffy and filled with warm New York City dreams of the late nineties. Tasti D-Lite and spaghetti straps, endless brunches and comical cabbies, clubs that aren't crowded or horrible, and so many drinks- but no hangovers. That was the life I wanted to live. And when I got back to NYU for my sophomore year- I was going to live that life.

I didn't. In case you were wondering. Plus I was only 19. BUT THE CARRIE DIARIES WEREN'T OUT THEN. (And I don't watch them anyway)

In the 3 episodes that I have just rewached from Season 1, here are some reasons why you shouldn't believe everything you see on Sex and the City.

(In case you were confused and thought that fiction was reality, which I apparently did.)

(Note- all of these example are from the first few episodes.)

She Bumps into Mr. Big EVERYWHERE. I mean, everywhere. Getting out of cabs, in restaurants, at clubs- all those clubs, at random lawyery parties, at outdoor cafes as she walks by... Everywhere. Fate is pushing them together. And he is "so cool" and not even into Samantha's sexual proposition, and he asks Carrie on some verrry vague dates- only to flake out. But she is so uber chill about it all when she runs into him brunching outside with friends and trying to fix the wobbly table like a modern day wealthy brunch hero. She shows her indifferent intelligence by solving his crossword puzzle for him from feet away, revealing super-hero-strength vision, and in his awe of her eyesight, he decides now is the time to not be a flake. He abandons his quest for a sturdy-legged-table and rushes after her.

Paraphrased: "Let's have dinner for real now, my depressed, divorced, codependent friend sitting back at the brunch table is now finally dating an old gold-digger/escort, so I am now free to date again."... "Mr. Big, I may be wearing a fur coat in the summertime, and I may be good at real crossword puzzles, but not HUMAN CROSSWORD PUZZLES, YOU WEALTHY PUZZLE!".

happiness and style


These late 30-somethings women are always at Clubs. Clubs, clubs, walking in heals and clubs. Now, maybe I am just a flats-wearing-hermit. But really? I mean they make the club thing seem like a legitimate way to spend your life. Like a totally normal way to spend the majority of your nights. So many clubs, and so many sweet cocktails. And they conveniently forget to show the hangovers the next day.

The 20-somethings Club. Well, I just watched the episode where Carrie dates a 20-something who lives like a depressed college student with a toilet in the middle of his apartment. But the weirder part of the episode is: the "20-somethings club" that has only 20-somethings in it. Apparently. And she finds her tongue ringed 20-something lover there again a second night, because he only hangs out at this 20-somethings club. And because, in the 90's, people really had to rely on fate because there were no cell phones. If there is such thing as a 20-somethings bar or club, I want someone to let me know. (I still prefer my bathrooms with walls though.)

She wears a light blue feather boa on a date with a French man who thinks she is a high class prostitute. Actually, that makes sense. Sort of.

Mr. Big probably knew she was 'the one' the moment he knocked into her bag on the street and all her condoms fell out onto the sidewalk. And then he kindly picked them up and handed them back to her with a big wealthy smile. That was their very first chance encounter. Modern day love, people.

Are there women REALLY that addicted to shoes? 

Charlotte has already had about 4 boyfriends over the course of 3 episodes?

Why is that stock lesbian character ok with going along with Miranda's little charade? She knows she is being used so Miranda can get invited to her boss's dinner party (whose wife wanted a lesbian couple in her social circle). Why does she let it happen? Fight the man, girl! Don't let the man and his wife turn you into a social fetish!



And a personal issue: How would I have ever been able to wear spaghetti straps? None of the ones I see include a bra. The braless 90's. This is one of the most unrealistic parts about this show, and 90's in general.

**

That is all I can remember for now. I didn't mention the "How does Carrie afford that apartment on a meager  1-column-a-week-freelance-pay" because, you know, it has been asked a million times before. (And the show's half-assed explanation of "Rent Control" doesn't work for me.)

I LOVE you Sex and the City, I really do. But you gave me unrealistic expectations of nights-able-to-be-spent-out-drinking, and also of the role that Fate would play in my life.

(Maybe more to come if I keep watching the show with Annie. Maybe not.) (Aiden is obviously not on the show yet, but remember when I met him!?!?!?!)

( You are WELCOME for all of the parentheses. I know, I know: it makes reading a BLAST.)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

At Least You Can Sleep On The Bus

There are some nice, relaxed people who doze off on long car rides, sleep through their 7 hour red-eyes, take a much-needed nap on the Amtrak, or drift off while laying back and listening to music on the Bolt Bus.

Whatever.

Just look at this blissful, ignorant soul:

via google images. Unnatural lack of wrist-ache here

Oh the simplicity. Anyone can do this: Just sleep! Just put the seat back, rest back your little head, close your little eyes til your mind fills with big puffy clouds, and then drift into peaceful trainsleeping. Or airplanesleeping. Or Bussleeping.

Never mind how your head bangs against the window. Never mind how your neck feels ok for like 4 minutes and then starts to feel horrible just when you think you might be dozing off. Never mind how those puffy neck things still make your head tilt way down to the side.

Never mind your wrist-ache after you have been resting your head on it for 6 minutes. Or how the arm rest or "windowsill" is like, weirdly narrow for your elbow and your arm elbow skin keeps shifting and sliding your arm off, and how am I supposed to keep my arm holding me up once I fall asleep? I have never fallen asleep so I don't really know. Should I be resting my head on the rattling window instead? I am really asking.

Sometimes I try to wedge my scarf in between my head and the rattling window, but the window is awkwardly far from the rest of my body and at a certain point my torso begins to cramp. Also the scarf keeps falling down. Am I doing this right? Also when I do this I don't know where to put my arms. In my lap? Resting on the narrow armrest?

On long tired airplane rides, sometimes I am almost asleep but then the steward walks by with the drinks and I don't want to miss my chance. Sometimes I decide to ignore the drink driveby, but just the thought process is enough to keep the puffy clouds of airplanesleeping at bay. Also my neck feels really weird. This angle was comfortable a few minutes ago.

Sometimes I look longingly to the side at my napping friend, or the blissful sleeping stranger. How do they do it? Do they have drugs? Am I missing something?

Sometimes I put down the tray and rest my head on my folded-arm-pillows and try to fall asleep that way. It has also never worked, but I have come close. I am also very self conscious of this method. Nobody else seems to try this.

One day I want to sleep on the bus. One day I want to put my seat back and I want my head to stay magically floating without falling to the side and crunching my neck. Or I want to figure out how to position my arms while lying my head on a scarf pillow, on a window that is not too far from my seat or body, and hope the bus isn't rattling too much.

Then I'll write and tell you all how I did it.

SERIOUSLY, HOW?

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Magic Hobo: Wishful Thinking

New York can be magical.

Even the homeless people have their magic, if they are jolly and singing beautiful songs, or shaking their change cup with gusto and rhythm.

You even have the opportunity to give them a dollar and feel like a modern-day hero.

Just found this by Google Searching: "Magic Hobo".

It is all good, of course, unless you are being accosted by them. Then it can be scary. Last year my friend was deliberately struck in the head by a homeless man- and I think she is suffering from PTSD. Also, I just remembered, once an old man with a walking staff and a Santa Clause beard was giving an angry, booming speech in the subway about how the "Bible clearly states that all women are EVIL". And then he just stopped and stood next to me, looking right at my face, and slowly and maniacally laughing.

Wow, I had forgotten all about that until writing this.

***

Anyway, less frighteningly, the other day during my lunch break I was trying to walk really fast, not sure whether I had enough time to make it up and back to the old lady bra store shop was almost 20 blocks away (I didn't), but I was weaving in and out of people and trying to walk non-stop without having to waste any time stalling behind wheelchairs or strollers, and all of a sudden I was hit with a piece of bread. Because a homeless lady threw it at me.

I had seen her ahead of me while I walked, she was sitting by a building and talking to some faraway sparrows near the curb. She was pointing at them, "EAT little birds! I want you to eat that bread! See it over there, bird?" as she pointed to a piece of crust that they were ignoring.

Then I walked in her path and she threw a piece of bread at me- trying to feed the birds I guess -or maybe she was just taking out some old anger at her mother on me- probably not though, and I didn't really waste much time being confused or annoyed because I should have seen it coming: Never get in between a homeless lady and her birds.

I brushed the stale crumbs off the side of my coat, and moved on, never making it to the store.



***

Then later, just because the Universe really didn't want me to forget that there are many unhinged hobos all around me, as I was walking through Columbia University area there was an all-out brawl between three homeless men. I was 2 feet away and walking past them right when one burned the other with his cigarette, and as he screamed in pain, the third man hit him really hard on the back with a granny cart.

***

And then yesterday on the subway a man uttered high pitched screams over and over again, like a metronome from Hell, just screaming and staring at the ceiling, over and over and over. Then before he exited the train, he looked straight at a crying child and yelled in some sort of foreign or maybe devil-based language, eyes bulging, before getting off the train and shuffling around the platform.

***

"Don't get too comfortable" said the Universe with a sigh, "not all hobos sweetly call out 'tuppence a bag' like only a sooty old cockney grandmother could.... Be careful."


"...Fine, Universe"


***

(PS:

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