Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Posts I Never Wrote: Part 4


I did "The Posts I Never Wrote" a few months ago. Since then, I have already accumulated quite a few drafts that will never make it to blog publication, because they were bad ideas.

I honor them below:



Title: I am so (not) Chill (Lizards)
This was supposed to explain in a "hilarious way" how stressed I get, and then talk about this one book I read which explains our stress response: part of our brain, our primitive brain, is still the same as a lizard brain, and how our socialized side is just an act. I wrote: "When I am stressed out, I like to remind myself that it is not my fault. It's just because I am a little lizard, and as long as I cover up with amazing, chill, Life-Acting, nobody will find out I am a lizard. Unless they read this." I did however write a post inspired by that, entitled "I am so (not) Chill: Shopping", and I'm not going to link to it because it is not my favorite.

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Title: How to Be Afraid of Everything
This was going to explain how plastic is touching everything and ruining us with hormone-disruptors. It really isn't funny.

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Title: Dating Site Profile
When I was on vacation with my family at the beach I wrote this long, fake dating profile in the form of a blog post, where I just painted myself in the worst light possible. I made it when my friend was trying to convince me to go on match.com, because she was having the "time of her life" and because she thought it would would shake up my inclination to dread upcoming dates. She showed me her profile: "I am a fun, energetic and optimistic girl. I love life and meeting new people..." and on and on. So I tried to write a serious one but it annoyed me too much, so I ended up writing my own that said something like: "I am an often stressed, tired and judgmental girl. I don't always feel like doing things. I love dark windy days...", and on and on. I would read it, and crack myself up, imagining that I really paid 80 dollars a month or whatever to have this profile up. It was funny to me because it was all generally true stuff that you aren't supposed to say when selling your soul to the Gods of Internet Dating. But... then it somehow got deleted and I lost it, and I can't bring myself to write one again. It will NEVER BE AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE.

Here is the thing though, I thought it was funny, so I showed it to my mom. My mom thought it was funny so she showed it to my dad, even though I told her not to because he wouldn't get it- and I was right:

"Wait, what? You are going to do internet dating?" (as if internet dating was code for "becoming a stripper" or "becoming a loser". BOTH. both.)
"No... no Dad, this is just-"
"Wow the world is so different than it used to be"
"No it's just a-"
"Why are you making yourself sound so bad?"
"MOM, I told you not to show him"

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Title: Buying Roomy Clothes
This was going to be about when the laundromat gave me someone else's underwear in a bigger size, and how wearing them was a revelation, and then how they soon became my favorite pair. And then how I started buying all my underwear in a roomy size, and then even normal clothes in bigger sizes in order to trick myself into feeling like I fit into my clothes. It might be a slippery slope, but it is very comfortable.

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Title: The Anti-Kelly Ripa Arm
You know how girls often put their hand on their waist and flex their arm muscles in pictures, sometimes even purposely popping out their collarbone... as if it's just a totally normal stance. "The Kelly Ripa Arm" it is apparently called. Well, I thought I was just morally opposed to it, but the real reason I was against it was because I didn't want anyone to be able to think like, OH, Caroline wants her arms to look super toned, so she is doing "the stance" that everyone does. Pffffffff. So I refused to do it in pictures because I was not giving anyone that satisfaction. (as if anyone cares. it's crystal-clear to me now that I am the judgmental one.)

But, you know, it's sort of like taking steroids. If everyone is doing it, and you aren't doing it, either way- YOU LOSE. And I definitely lost, because instead I was just squashing my arm fat down, while everyone else was stretching and flexing and posing, and so I just looked like an arm-troll every time.


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Title: Evil Capricorns
I had such grand plans for this, but this was one where I had TOO MUCH to say about things no one cares about. It was going to start off about how JK Rowling made all of the Harry Potter characters have birthdays that suited their personalities (Hermione: Virgo. Harry: Leo etc). And the only two Capricorns that I know of are Snape and Voldemort. HilARIOUS to me. "I am evil" bwahahahhahahahaa. Then I'd talk about the eerily accurate "Sextrology" book that my friend got me for my birthday, and then saying I am allowed to be the way I am because this book predicts it, and that it's all the stars' fault anyway. "She often likes to wear her hair pulled back" "She likes to wear dark clothing" "She is quite like Marian the Librarian" "like a mountain: a looming, solitary figure who cannot help but appear iconic to those she encounters" (yessss). And, "Death, too, could become her constant preoccupation, but being acutely aware of her mortality is what helps her to appreciate being alive." HAHAHAHA YES. And then, you know, I'd go on and on, but no one freaking cares about what my astrology sign says about me, so I aborted it.

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