Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Side Eating Position: The Best Foods to Eat in Bed

Here are the things that do NOT get crumbs in your bed in the side eating position. (Eating on your side). Sure, you can obviously eat sitting up  with your plate below you "but then you may as well be eating at a table", I always say to myself.


RAW NUTS - do not keep your mind in the gutter. Or do if you want. But raw tree nuts do not leave any crumbs in your bed. I did it last night and nada. Drawbacks: Do not actually fill you up, can taste like sadness, hard on your chewing muscles.

Bananas- Bananas are pretty safe bets to eat in bed, except that you have a peel and that is awkward because you probably shouldn't put a decomposable peel in your bedroom trashcan because who empties their bedroom trashcan on a regular basis? And also fruit flies and cockroaches, etc. 

Dried Fruit- Dried fruit will leave no crumbs, but WILL leave your hands sticky and your teeth coated in fructose, If you plan on just conking out, you may want to beware, but again, we are already eating in bed so really, how much worse can it get.

Cheese- Cheese will not leave crumbs, but let me present some obstacles: Cheese is not normally in snack form. If you want to just bring the block of cheese with you and bite into it like an apple, I support that. But then if you don't finish the whole thing you will have to get out of bed to put it back in the fridge, or leave it on your bedside table all night. Both viable options, just something to think about. The other option is to precut it up, but if you are eating in bed I doubt you want to do that, though I have done that too. Another thing, is that you PROBABLY WANT to eat your cheese with crackers, and THAT will leave crumbs. BEWARE. EVEN if you eat is sitting up with your mouth chewing "carefully" over a plate... and in that case: just bring your pillow to the kitchen table.

Meat- Do not eat meat in bed. Though meat will, generally, not leave crumbs. However, meat normally has sauces, and that can be...eh, OK. It WORKS. I have DONE it successfully before, but there is just something a little too far gone about eating leftover lamb in your bed in side eating position- It just ain't right. And I bet the bottom of your plate or takeout container will have some sauce or gravy on it that you won't realize till later. And that is sad.

Ice Cream- ok... Ice cream has no CRUMBS, BUT. But, you are going to have to get back out of bed and put it back in the freezer. Quickly. Unless you eat the whole thing. Which is ok too.

Ok, last one,

Bars- Bars are a half ok. Actually, eh. Bars barely work. Bars crumble: larabars, Luna bars, etc etc -they crumble. The only benefit to bed eating is that they can sit by your bedside table for infinity, not going bad til your OPEN IT. But, in the mornings I have found weird larabar clumps in my bed- woo. Yea. Bad example.


Everything else- cookies, bread, crackers, cake, granola (GRANOOLLLLAAA), donuts, artisinal donuts, scones, muffins, cereal, pizza, CHIPS. Etc.

Some notables/confusing ones below:

Noodles- Noodles will freaking fall on your comforter and you know it.

Chocolate: OOOH you THINK chocolate is safe. But chocolate SLIVERS off and gets on your clothes and sheets and in between your boobs and MELTS, and then you wake up and think that there is poop everywhere, until you smell it and realize it is just chocolate.

Avocados- I do not recommend. You need prep, you need a spoon, you need salt, etc. Maybe guacamole, but then the chips... Just stay away from creamy fruits.

Regular Fruits- Most fruits are too juicy for bed. Grapes being an exception, and some berries, but berries have very deep staining juices so be wary. Apples are stupid and leave dumb cores that sit on bedside tables and get brown and call to cockroaches with their annoying silent apple songs.

Pickles- Pickles would be fun but how, what on, paper towels? How much water are you going to drink and then how many times do you feel like peeing? But pickle juice on your sheets is hilarious. I support it.

Vegetables- WHY?

If you fail following my recommendations, that's ok,  just take a few minutes to brush off your sheets the next day, or whatever day you notice, and laugh to yourself about how lucky you are that cockroaches never climb into beds. (That is a fact I made up and I never want to hear any rebuttle or ANYTHING else about it.)

Happy 'side eating position' eating.

(I stole this picture randomly from google, but I want this book)

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