Monday, October 28, 2013

You Deserve Everything Probably

Everything: Every food, every tv show, every second of rest, infinite couch time, hours upon hours of no plans, kindness and understanding from everyone, no emails I don't want to respond to, nothing to do the next day or two, nothing to decide, no phone calls- (GOD no phone calls). Etc.

But, nothing like professional massages- because that requires small talk and pleasantries.


Winter- It is cold and dark so it is important to take time for yourself. Also to eat lots of food because otherwise you can die from lack of insulation.

Summer- It is so hot and hard to move fast in the summer - also the sun drains you even if you are doing nothing.

Auditions/Interviews/First Dates- You deserve at least a full day of recovery after any of these things.

During a hangover- Science actually says we deserve everything during hangovers because of electrolytes/sodium and needing to replenish any and all fuel. And also rest and relaxation for your liver but also sometimes some more alcohol for your headache.

During drinking- You need to eat everything you can so you don't get as bad of a hangover.

Doing one productive thing- "I crossed something off my list so now I deserve 3 netflix episodes."

When it is raining- "It is raining which is god's way of telling me to sit inside and do whatever I want."

When something bad happens- When an acquaintance's father is diagnosed with cancer, "it is important that I don't do anything because it would be disrespectful to carry on as if nothing happened."

When something good happens- "Something good happened! I will give myself credit for this! Reward time! Reward time!"

When I'm tired- Um, I'm tired, so leave me alone.

Brunch- Brunch is a special occasion. Restaurants won't even let you have it on days that are not weekends, and you are allowed to drink alcohol and have coffee at the same time which is amazing but also a hard thing to juggle. Remember- you are SUPPOSED to eat things that are confusing because nobody knows whether it is lunch or breakfast or heaven. So order as many meals as you want. Get an omelette AND French Toast AND the assorted pastries plate. Homemade jam? Well, you have to order the bread basket. But keep in mind, if they don't have real maple syrup, you are not having real brunch, just FYI.

Before brunch- The hours before brunch are a confusing time when you will probably be hungry and not know whether to eat breakfast or not because brunch isn't starting til like 1. Eat.

After brunch- That brunch was long and your body is processing alcohol and caffeine so go lie down and watch tv for the rest of the day. It is the freaking weekend.

Period- Everything is hard so I deserve EVERYTHING.

In airplanes- Airplanes mean that everything is up the air. Literally, that wasn't even a joke. Who knows what time it is, and WHO knows when's the next time you'll get your hands on candy coated nuts. WHO knows when you will even be able to walk again. There could be unforeseen delays, layovers, or future baggage issues. Your hotel could have lost your reservation or maybe all of the restaurants and delis will be closed by the time you get to your destination and you won't be able to eat until the next morning. You could be starved out for 2 days. Nothing is certain. You are stuck, and you are going incredibly fast through the air. Our bodies probably think that it has been HOURS or DAYS in the span of minutes because it is being dragged through time and space at an absurd speed that no creator or evolution could have accounted for, THAT is why you are so hungry! So eat or you might die. Point is- follow your heart because airplanes are technically allowing you to not live on planet earth for a little while and that is a crazy thing, treat yo' self. Also, who knows if the plane will crash. Just saying.

In airports- You also deserve everything before and after your plane ride because of all of the reasons I listed above. So you need to gather everything you can while you are still on planet earth.

At night- Well, nighttime is a time when you deserve stuff because you just lived a whole day and did stuff, and even if you didn't, you stayed alive all day and probably worried about all the things you weren't doing, so it is time to relax and let go of your burdens.

In the morning- Morning is hard because you have to get up and get ready to be expected to do stuff. You need to eat to fuel and also you need to get dressed and that is very hard. So bring some light into your life.

Midday- This is a hard time because you have been doing stuff for a while, but there is so much more to go. So, find a way to pamper yourself if possible.

When roommates are out- "This could be my last chance to be alone ever again in my whole life. I won't let it go to waste."

Vacation- Obviously, I'm on vacation leave me alone. I don't want to go to a museum!

After vacations- Vacations are always filled with doing hard stuff, plus you were probably just on a plane for a long time. So, you deserve everything.

When I have money- I have MONEY, I can buy whatever itunes songs I WANT. I ain't doing nothin I don't wanna do.

When I have no money- It is important to pamper oneself in times of lack in order to foster feelings of abundance, or at least that is what The Secret said. So YES, I WILL buy that 7 dollar cookie and 6 dollar cappuccino. Hello universe, here I am.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Side Eating Position: The Best Foods to Eat in Bed

Here are the things that do NOT get crumbs in your bed in the side eating position. (Eating on your side). Sure, you can obviously eat sitting up  with your plate below you "but then you may as well be eating at a table", I always say to myself.


RAW NUTS - do not keep your mind in the gutter. Or do if you want. But raw tree nuts do not leave any crumbs in your bed. I did it last night and nada. Drawbacks: Do not actually fill you up, can taste like sadness, hard on your chewing muscles.

Bananas- Bananas are pretty safe bets to eat in bed, except that you have a peel and that is awkward because you probably shouldn't put a decomposable peel in your bedroom trashcan because who empties their bedroom trashcan on a regular basis? And also fruit flies and cockroaches, etc. 

Dried Fruit- Dried fruit will leave no crumbs, but WILL leave your hands sticky and your teeth coated in fructose, If you plan on just conking out, you may want to beware, but again, we are already eating in bed so really, how much worse can it get.

Cheese- Cheese will not leave crumbs, but let me present some obstacles: Cheese is not normally in snack form. If you want to just bring the block of cheese with you and bite into it like an apple, I support that. But then if you don't finish the whole thing you will have to get out of bed to put it back in the fridge, or leave it on your bedside table all night. Both viable options, just something to think about. The other option is to precut it up, but if you are eating in bed I doubt you want to do that, though I have done that too. Another thing, is that you PROBABLY WANT to eat your cheese with crackers, and THAT will leave crumbs. BEWARE. EVEN if you eat is sitting up with your mouth chewing "carefully" over a plate... and in that case: just bring your pillow to the kitchen table.

Meat- Do not eat meat in bed. Though meat will, generally, not leave crumbs. However, meat normally has sauces, and that can, OK. It WORKS. I have DONE it successfully before, but there is just something a little too far gone about eating leftover lamb in your bed in side eating position- It just ain't right. And I bet the bottom of your plate or takeout container will have some sauce or gravy on it that you won't realize till later. And that is sad.

Ice Cream- ok... Ice cream has no CRUMBS, BUT. But, you are going to have to get back out of bed and put it back in the freezer. Quickly. Unless you eat the whole thing. Which is ok too.

Ok, last one,

Bars- Bars are a half ok. Actually, eh. Bars barely work. Bars crumble: larabars, Luna bars, etc etc -they crumble. The only benefit to bed eating is that they can sit by your bedside table for infinity, not going bad til your OPEN IT. But, in the mornings I have found weird larabar clumps in my bed- woo. Yea. Bad example.


Everything else- cookies, bread, crackers, cake, granola (GRANOOLLLLAAA), donuts, artisinal donuts, scones, muffins, cereal, pizza, CHIPS. Etc.

Some notables/confusing ones below:

Noodles- Noodles will freaking fall on your comforter and you know it.

Chocolate: OOOH you THINK chocolate is safe. But chocolate SLIVERS off and gets on your clothes and sheets and in between your boobs and MELTS, and then you wake up and think that there is poop everywhere, until you smell it and realize it is just chocolate.

Avocados- I do not recommend. You need prep, you need a spoon, you need salt, etc. Maybe guacamole, but then the chips... Just stay away from creamy fruits.

Regular Fruits- Most fruits are too juicy for bed. Grapes being an exception, and some berries, but berries have very deep staining juices so be wary. Apples are stupid and leave dumb cores that sit on bedside tables and get brown and call to cockroaches with their annoying silent apple songs.

Pickles- Pickles would be fun but how, what on, paper towels? How much water are you going to drink and then how many times do you feel like peeing? But pickle juice on your sheets is hilarious. I support it.

Vegetables- WHY?

If you fail following my recommendations, that's ok,  just take a few minutes to brush off your sheets the next day, or whatever day you notice, and laugh to yourself about how lucky you are that cockroaches never climb into beds. (That is a fact I made up and I never want to hear any rebuttle or ANYTHING else about it.)

Happy 'side eating position' eating.

(I stole this picture randomly from google, but I want this book)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013


I am going to talk about all the great ways to procrastinate going to bed, if that's something you are into. If you don't know what I am talking about, it is a mild form of masochism, and I am trying to get it recognized as a real condition. (No that's a lie, I barely care enough about anything to go to any difficult length for anything, especially something this stupid.)

But anyway, for now let's call it: Sleecrastination. (pronounced Slicrastination)

Let me count the ways.....


Eating is a great way to sleecrastinate, because it is fun and addictive and delicious. It can also be salty or sweet or both. Cold or hot, hard or soft. You can even eat in bed, though that is a step further into dysfuction, and even if you think you are not getting crumbs in your bed, YOU ARE.) Then add in the fact that for me, I normally don't eat enough during the day, I cannot fall asleep with even 3% hunger (maybe 1-2% is possible for sleep, no more), and that I also enjoyed a very impressive binge-eating disorder for most of my life- so food is a nighttime given. Anyway it is a great way to procrastinate, and I recommend it. I do not recommend binge eating though. But, don't let me talk you out of living your dreams.

Watching Television

Preferably something on Netflix because then you can just watch one after another after another. But old fashioned tv works too, because tv is literally made to hook you into watching the next show until infinity o'clock. Ignore the burning in your eyes, just turn down the brightness to trick your eyes into thinking they aren't exahusted.

Chatting with People

People are GREAT. WHO wants great, virtual conversations to end? Now, with smart phones, conversations literally NEVER NEED TO END. EVER. Not in the BATHROOM, not in BED, not EVER. NEVER. You can talk your whole life long to people who aren't even there. It is a horrible, wonderful thing.

Internet Rabbit Holes

We all know that the Internet can take you down some dark and twisted paths. Some of them center around imdb, some around youtube, some around webmd and your imminent death. Some around conspiracy theories, some around fandoms or message boards, some around tumblr, facebook, twitter, blogs, etc. I don't know you, maybe you are a scientist and you can't stop looking at websites with periodic tables on them. Who knows, but whoever you are, the internet has something for you. Even for the religious. Even for the anorexics. There will be something for you to surf and devour and sleecrastinate with. For hours. 

Food + __________________

Add food to any of the above, even food. If you add food to food you will have double sleecrastination material, and also you can eat even more mindlessly

Phone Rabbit Holes

This is not different really from internet, BUT, once you think you are safely in bed, ready to grab the remaining 6.58 hours before your alarm goes off. Then you can grab your phone and pointlessly open up twitter, then facebook, then youtube, then a game, then your horoscope (what was my day supposed to be like yesterday?), and on and on. Refresh your facebook feed a million times, it is a hollow feeling, but it is inspired by the buried hope that something exciting may be about to happen. And hope is a good thing.

Write a Blog Post

Start writing a blog post right when you are about to get in bed, and you will have something completely pointless to focus on for... as long as your dumb little heart desires!

Now GET to sleecrastinating! And don't forget to complain about how exhausted you are the entire next day.