Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A Poem on the Bath’s Broken Promises

Thankful Thursday: I am thankful for showers, even though my shower sucks and my super just avoids fixing it. Showers are way better than baths- I wrote a poem below all about how baths are dumb.

(This poem does not rhyme, btw, so DONT EXPECT IT TO.)

How can you truly get clean in a bath
when the dirt doesn't go anywhere at all?
You can't even get the soap off of you
And besides that, baths are boring

I used to take baths in high school
I even used candles
and tried to read,
Because I saw it in the movies
and thought it might give me a luxurious life
like the people who bathed in those various forms of media.
But
Alas
It was just boring.
And I don't even think I got clean
because, again, the dirt doesn’t go anywhere,
and the bubbles were never as awesome
and i needed to take a shower afterwards to clean my hair, anyway

Since then 
I have not taken any baths
On Purpose,
because they are lame.

But even if I wanted to, I couldn't 
because my tub is never clean.
And there is no way in hell I am going to clean the tub just to sit around pointlessly in it


The end

Q&A: Skinny Stuff

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

EVERY DAY IS A HOLIDAY. THERE IS A HOLIDAY FOR EVERY DAY

Wait I am sorry- I do not generally like doing anything, or celebrating much, but Oh my LORD in the shape of a small baby boy. there is a holiday for EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR! And most of them are incredibly stupid and hilarious! I have to celebrate them all!

For as long as I can remember, probably about 6 days, I'm gonna post every day about the Holiday and how I celebrated. Then around the week mark I am sure I will regret this decision/forget.
Regret and Forget.

But, For now, it is National Skeptics Day and National Make Your Dreams Come True Day!
I was a skeptic about the Holidays being a real thing. But then I checked another internet website and it said the same thing there so it MUST BE RIGHT. The internet NEVER LIES. It never has and it never will.

Is God Real? And if so, DOES he have a beard? I dunno. But the internet never lies.
My dreams have come true because EVERY DAY HAS A DUMB HOLIDAY.

(Also I was born on National Bird Day.)



Thursday, January 9, 2014

I'm so freaking thankful

SO it is thursday and I got a little reminder notification in my phone to write a "Thankful Thursday" post, and I was like ughhhhhhhghhghhhhghhhghghghhghhhhhhh. Is this my only way for good karma and positivityyyyy it can't beeeeeeee.

But, because I like to pretend to keep my promises, here it is:

-I am thankful for makeup. It makes a difference. It tricks people. I am also thankful that the boy that I am seeing didn't think that I wore makeup. HA!

-I am thankful today for advil liquigels- specifically. It is good for so very many things. Like hangovers. And today: Cramps. And some days: hangovers + cramps. And for being a cure-all that hasn't given me stomach ulcers - yet

-I am so thankful for dry shampoo because my goddamn shower has (been) broken (for year and a half) and vacillates between scalding and freezing and I do not want to take one now!

-So, I am thankful to my superintendent for literally NOTHING.

-I am thankful for bananas because they are portable.

-I am thankful for small bottles of wine. I dunno why. They are just cute. And they are wine.

-I am thankful for the reminder app on my phone, unless it is pissing me off.

-I am thankful for dim lighting so I don't have to look at my face too closely.

-I am thankful for ordering things on amazon, but seriously, breaking down and taking the boxes to the basement makes it all arguably harder than regular shopping, so what do I do.... do I need a maid?

Ok, I'm done. I need some advil.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Soft Resolutions: Things I'm Gonna Think About Changing in the New Year

I am not into making New Year's Resolutions, mostly because I don't like doing difficult things. I also don't like setting myself up for failure. And I have a rebellious streak (against myself).

Buuuttt there are definitely some things I could (softly and slowly) change, which coincidentally happens to be just in time for the new year.

Here are some of those soft, slowly-changing, rule-less suggestions that I am considering in an "it doesn't matter if I fail" sort of way.

  • grocery shopping- I'm going to BUY ingredients so I can make things that I can eat - instead of eating toast and cheese and grapes every day. I will do this on a regular basis.
  • exercising- I'm gonna exercise at least once a week for, say, 20 minutes. (Like "yoga" or "weights" or pushups or something.)
  • cleaning- I am going to CLEAN, like, once a month, at LEAST. And REAL cleaning. Not just picking up dust bunnies on occasion.
  • Sell everything I own- I am going to list everything I don't want or need anymore for 10 dollars or less on craigslist. And if they wanna come get it and pay me to take it away, then it is theirs. Mostly shoes. Maybe some books.
  • Speaking of, I am not going to wear high heels anymore. This is less of an "improvement" and more of a "how can I care less about what the world expects of me" sort of thing. I am not gonna wear high heels no matter what the world wants. Unless it is an audition. Or a show. Or unless it is a black tie party- (but Ha! I never go to those!). I am also never gonna wear ballet flats because my feet are too wide. So I am ONLY going to wear boots or sandals. Always. Forever. Except for those exceptions.
  • i'm gonna sleep 12:45 - 8:45- I will experience miraculous, spontaneous, magical sleep-cycle healing.
  • i'm gonna eat more during the day instead of at 1 am- This will take some work and adjustment, but... I am determined.
  • i'm gonna remember that I am ok. Generally. That I'm like, cool. You know, self confidence stuff. "Siri, remind me that "you are enough" every day. No IIIII am enough, not YOU. ME. And say it in a more convincing way than your normal robot voice does. Ugh you are good for nothing."
  • I'm gonna make stuff - like - just creative stuff. I don't know yet what it is gonna be. Maybe just another blog post. But I'm gonna do it.
  • remember alcohol tolerance- i'm gonna remember that 2+ drinks is rarely as awesome as I think it will be. Maybe I'll write myself like a phone reminder for whenever I am meeting up with people for drinks. Or maybe every day in my calendar I will have a "remember that 1.5 drinks is almost always enough". And "Siri, remind me that I only want to drink 1.5 drinks max. Repeat this reminder every day at 7:30 pm. Thankksssssssss".
  • I'm gonna have a lot of money- not sure how.
  • I'm never gonna be nervous again- I am just going to remember that everything is fine always and "things work out even when they don't". You know what I mean? "Siri, remind me to never be nervous again. Repeat this reminder hourly. Thanksssssss."

 

Merry Christmas and a Happy, resolution-free New Year.

 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

If I Had (a lot of) Money

One of my favorite activities is: tricking myself into believing something that isn't real and then seeing what I do or think. And then judging myself for being insane.

Though, this time when I tricked myself it was really fun. I played the "What Would You Do or Change if you had an unlimited amount of money right now, GO". And this is what I came up with:

  • First, responsibly getting this bullet out of the way, careerwise, I would take a lot of classes, and spend my time auditioning and making things instead of babysitting. Boom. I would also pay to have all those actory things made, like reels etc, which right now I have no immediate intention of doing because it seems impossible- and expensive.
  • (Edited to Add) Charities. Because that is what rich people, who do the right thing, do.

Now that I have that out of the way (Just assume I would do EVERYTHING I needed to do for peoples' reaction to me to be: "You are so functional and responsible!"), here is more.

  • I would get Fresh Direct once a week. And it would be filled with a lot of very expensive items. And I would eat so much and so easily and so often. I would also finally have ingredients to actually cook things, which I am hoping and assuming I would do. (In this delivery order there would be wine. There would be sparkling water bottles. I don't even drink sparkling water. There would be paper towels. There would be all the things that are heavy to carry that I put off buying. There would be potatoes. There would be expensive almond butter. There would be Apple Cider Vinegar, FINALLY.)
  • I would get an externimator because we have mice. (I cannot rely on my superintendant.)
  • I would get a plumber to fix the shower knobs/water temperature regulation. (Same superintendent situation.)
  • And before all that, I would get a cleaning service 2x a month because I freaking can.
  • I would get a car, and I guess it would be the quiet kind that is good for the environment.
  • I would get amtrak tickets or drive always because I CAN.
  • I would get a little suitcase. I need one.
  • I would get a new tv where the speakers didn't rattle when you turn the sound up at all, and where the remote actually syncs with the cable remote so you don't have to double-fist remotes.
  • I would obviously eventually buy an amazing apartment, but that is a lot of work, so not yet. But when I did it would have a dishwasher, it would have a washer/dryer, it would have no mice. I would buy a little indoor tree for it. That would be so cool. I would remember to water it.
  • I would get laser hair removal. Tens of thousands of dollarsworth.
  • I would take cabs every late night.
  • I would pay a 3-piece band to just follow me around and perform with me in bars, and all the time in my apartment.
  • I would go to a specialist about my jaw muscle because my mom just told me that my "face isn't lopsided because of my broken nose, like I previously thought, it is because my jaw alignment and muscles are crooked"- and LO! she is RIGHT.
  • I would hire a crew/team to shoot these little scripty things I wrote, and it would be great. I would also serve them pizza. (Thin-crust.)
  • I would buy a new yoga mat because mine is crumbling apart and dirty.
  • I would buy a lot of plants. And water them.
  • I would buy new christmas lights to string in the bathroom, because ours burnt out.
  • I would probably see a psychiatrist and have them prescribe me beta-blockers.
  • I would buy lots of bras that fit.
  • I would buy another good pillow.
  • I would pay a person to fix the slat on my bed that won't actually stay in because the movers put my bed together wrong a year and a half ago.
  • I would finally take my velvet pants to the dry-cleaner.

There are more things but I will have to write them later because I need to take a shower.

 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Thankful Thursdays: Because Having a Theme is a Good Idea

OK, so, I am trying to kill two birds with one stone. First bird: I want to start a THEMED blog post topic that has annoying and cutesy alliteration- because apparently that is what bloggers DO.

The Second Bird: it has come to my attention over my many years of reading self help books, that I should be spending an exorbinant amount of time, whenever I can, listing all of the things I am grateful for - in order to have more good things happen to me. It is sort of like the paradox of selfishness: If you are selfish and want good things to happen to you, you have to acknowledge all of the already good things, and then more good things will happen to you. And I, my friends, am very selfish.

So anyway, my point is this: I am going to start "Thankful Thursdays", and once that name starts to make me want to kill myself, I will change it to "Thankful Saturdays" and save us all from the cutesy alliteration.

Ready? (This is free-associated again, just like my Thanksgiving one, because planning is for suckers.)

(And... I'm just gonna do 10.)

  • I am thankful for toilets. Oooooohhhhh am I thankful to toilets. Because as much as I joke about wanting to use a chamber pot because of my laziness, I know I would regret having one for many reasons. (I threw out my humidifier because it was too hard to clean.) So, thank you indoor plumbing.
  • I am thankful for ovens and/or toaster ovens even though I only use them these days to heat up frozen Amy's dinners. Using toaster ovens allows me to feel superior to people who use microwaves and allows me to ride the line between completely dysfunctional and slightly functional- and to sit comfortably and warmly on my metaphorically and hypocritically high horse. (that sentance was too long, I know)
  • I am thankful for both coffee shops and for personal coffee makers. So, really, I am just thankful for coffee, and that I have the ability to get and drink it either way.
  • I am thankful for winter because it allows me to feel no guilt if I decide to stay inside all day, but IF I do go outside for a walk or an errand or whatever - I feel VERY accomplished like I am braving the elements and perservering through difficult conditions and I become very proud of myself. I also love the cold- so it is a win-win. I also love dramatic and sad music, which also feels appropriate to listen to while walking through the freezing, while feeling both proud of myself for doing something difficult, and dramatic and sad because of the music I am listening to. There are so many win-wins. So, yes, I am thankful for winter.

 

  • I am thankful that I don't have OCD like my brother and my sister, because I am able to live in filth and not mind too much.
  • I am thankful for my iPhone because I love it and it is so amazing and it is sort of like my small best friend.
  • I am thankful that I don't drink tea because tea is dumb.
  • I am thankful for emergen-C because I THINK it is cheaper than a multivitamin. Maybe not actually.
  • I am thankful for this snowfall because it actually feels like winter. (see above)
  • And finally, I am thankful for christmas lights, because it is INSTANT decor and you don't even need to be good at decorating.

Alrighty then. Let's see how many weeks I keep this up and/or before switching to Thankful Saturdays.

 

(I stole this from Google. You know how many bloggers do Thankful Thursdays? A LOT.)