Maybe I'm not the type that is meant to have parties.
My anxiety was incredibly high once it was 1:00 am and the party wouldn't slow down no matter how many popcorn pieces I picked up off the floor.
My worry was how loud it was for my neighbors- I guess other people can just live and let live when they have a party and not worry about the noise they are making- but I am not those people.
When the last guests left at 3:30 I wondered why I did it at all in the first place.
Why didn't I just have a small get-together?
I have an irrational fear (or rational- actually) that I am going to be reamed out about my party's loudness to my face by an angry neighbor I didn't even know I had. And that all the neighbor's pent up anger about my incessant singing will be unleashed in my face and they will tell me that I shouldn't quit my day job (I HAVEN'T).
So I snuck out of my apt early this morning, with the stealth of a mouse carrying two huge, ripping bags of glass for recyclables and one bag of regular trash with broken glass. (yes, somebody broke a glass.)
I feared someone would see me in the stairwell or out by the trashcans outside or from a window and say "OH, its YOUU. You loud m***********" And on and on. And then look at my messy hair and eye circles and double chin and say something like: "WAS IT WORTH IT?"
No, it wasn't.
Well, maybe it was!
If you attended my party, dear reader, I love you still (probably). I just like to have control over my abode too much, and like the "approval" of my neighbors too much to invite you over again in the same quanitities that I did last night.
Its not you, its me.