Sunday, December 11, 2011

Pants and Heels

I like wearing flats. 

Flat boots, flat flats, Little sneaky sneakers, Clogs- whatever.

Sometimes, on the rare occasion when I truly won't have to walk or stand, I will wear high heels with a skirt. For instance, to a family holiday party where my parents will drive me there, I can couch-it the whole time, and only get up to wobble around awkwardly a few times- to get a shrimp or pour myself more wine. 

The nights I have worn high heels out in the city, starting in a cab and tricking myself into thinking "I won't have to walk" never works, and they have been some of the worst nights of my life. Regret and pain and wobbling. And walking. ALWAYS WALKING. I don't understand women in tv shows and movies- or just plain famous people - or even real people wearing heels. How?

So, I'm already wearing mostly only flats, sometimes heals with skirts to make my grandmothers impressed with me on Christmas and Easter and some family member's holy sacraments.

Ok, let me get on with my point.

The original point of beginning to write this post was: When I wear pants + high heels, which is quite rare, I feel like a bonafide idiot. I literally feel like my brain gets stupider and my body gets awkwarder. And that my legs take on a ghastly strange shape and that the bottom of my pants disappear and that my head is going to touch the ceiling. And when I walk I look like a bird with bendy backward knees and a jangly stride.

Whenever I wear this hellish combination, it is because I trick myself into thinking that it will make my legs look long and graceful- or whatever they say in magazines.

Every time I wear high heels and pants I remind myself NEVER TO DO THIS AGAIN. 

It is quite possible that I am insane and that I look like every other person who wears high heels and pants... whom actually, by the way, look stupid too. Really they do, and so do you. 

you know exactly what I mean

The reason I feel so strongly about how terrible I feel in heels/pants, is because I am actually currently wearing high-heeled clog boots (so .... they aren't even real high heels) and purple corduroy flare pants (which is a whole other issue) and I feel like a pelican. And, even after feeling horrible in them, I am still wearing them now only to inspire myself to write this. This morning I thought I would be able to pull off the "flare and clog" thing going on this Winter 2011/12 - but I should have known better.

Also, earlier today, someone affectionately patted me on the arm and I fell over sideways.

There is no moral to this story.