Monday, January 30, 2012

Interview Persona

About once a year when I am particularly mentally unstimulated, I imagine the future interviews I will give.

Correction: I don't imagine them. I give them. I give the interviews to myself out loud. Normally it is while I am doing something mindless like showering, or plucking my eyebrows, or excavating my pores.

I don't plan the interviews. They just happen. Probably inspired by an interview I just watched, but who knows, maybe this is just me being psychic.

I actually don't normally realize I have just given a 20 minute interview until after it is over and my face is bright splotchy red in front of my magnifying mirror, or the hot water runs out in the shower. Half of these times I realize that the whole interview was done in an English accent.

I don't know.

Depending on my life-goals of the time, my reason for giving the interview may vary slightly, but the most common story is: 35-year-old emerges from complete obscurity as a comedic and dramatic movie-star (and Meryl Streep mentee) etc. etc. taking the world by storm with her unique, relatable personality and asymmetrical, bizarre face.

Sometimes I talk about my years working as a butcher on a 100 acre sustainable buffalo ranch before getting back into the biz. Sometime I talk about the difficulties of being married to Robert Pattinson and how we are both still friends with his ex Kristin (who is married to a woman). Sometimes I talk about my strong belief in wishing at 11:11 and how it most likely brought me to the place I am today. Sometimes I talk about my days dating Prince Harry and how I hoped people would still take my acting seriously after that whole debacle. How all the nights sitting on my couch watching tv definitely inspired my current work. What it was like finally admitting I had to get help- and then- going to rehab for an Almond Butter addiction. Honest proclamations to the viewers to never get anti-aging plastic surgery because of my genuine excitement to be an old-woman actress (true story). My Youth Self-Esteem segment: how Proactive Cleanser didn't really work for me in the longterm like it did for Katy Perry and Jessica Simpson- and other skin woes. And on and on.

"Is it true you were a singer?". Yes it is true, but No, I never 'sing them a little song' on the spot because that is too stressful -- and tacky.

Unfortunately I have learned through these interviews, in honest retrospect, that I am not very charismatic in interviews. I am quite serious and annoying when talking about my faux life. I take myself too seriously and try to be too inspiring instead of light and fun. Hopefully this is only because I have no real interviewer to respond to..... But I might just be one of those humorless interviewees.

However, out of everything my biggest frustration with my future interviews is that I can't talk in an English accent. And there is nothing I can even do about that. No way to twist my story. There is no way to have an English accent in my interview. None. And it makes me want to forget the whole darn thing.