Friday, February 24, 2012

Stuff Parisians Like

Getting a Kindle for Christmas was a dangerous thing. I drop money on Kindle books like woa.

One book I bought on a whim is "Stuff Parisians Like: Discovering the Quoi in Je Ne Said Quoi". It showed up under "Customers who bought this item also bought:" while I was amazon-perusing some other fluffy French-themed self-help books about unlocking my inner French Amazing Person.

"How-to-be-like-French-people" self help books are one of my favorite kinds. Even though, at this point I realize that it is all just an alluring and marketable stereotype. But, I am still a sucker for books about how the French know how to cultivate their lives with quality and voila they are awesome and adorably rude like only a cat or french person can be!

However, this book, unlike the other "Be Like a French Person" books- is written by a true Parisian. A Sommelier who jovially mocks the Parisian in all of their hypocrisies.

 imagined potential if only to read and implement these books

According to this Book:

He says, each "thing" a Parisian likes originates with their core feeling of superiority to all else. Also, Parisians are little dark rainclouds who poo-poo on everyone's happiness in order to not look enthusiastic like dumb Americans. "Bad feels good for Parisians". 

Apparently nothing is inspiring to them, "except maybe the idea of sailing" and....


They allll loovveeee New York. "It is every Parisian's dream to live in New York". "Nothing is more chic than having New Yorker friends." "When talking about New York, the French language seems to boil down to...: énergie, opportunités, dynamisme... grand, super, genial"

Are these the same Parisians who dislike everything so they aren't seen as grinning idiotes?? 

Yes, Yes they are.

Even though they genuinely hate Americans- they make an exception for Les New Yorkais, because we are different and super genial. 

Well la-dee-da.

I had better start living up to how cool the Parisians thinks I am.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Movie Theater Logistics

Well, as you may or may not know or care, I say "I hate logistics". I don't know what I mean by that because, for all my hating of logistics, I seem to plan logistics out very carefully in order to "not get stressed out over logistics". And its all moot because I plan, I execute, I stress anyway, then I decide what I will try to execute differently in the future.

Here are some Movie Theater Logistics you may want to consider for you next Neurotic Trip to the Cinema:

  1. Making Sure You Get Tickets Before They Sell Out- Movies can sell out. Or maybe you will buy a ticket and then by the time your friend gets there it will be sold out! And then.... all hell breaks loose. So maybe you should just buy their ticket and then tell them to pay you.... but maybe they will think you are crazy. Which you are. There is also the consideration of.... how long will the line be for ticket window/kiosk? How much time should you leave in order to find seats? etc. etc.
  2. Saving Seats For Your Friends Who Have Not Arrived Yet- Because, if you have to sit alone you may as well have come alone and then you never needed to worry about whether or not you should buy their ticket in the first place. Also, if you wait for your friends to arrive before you go find seats, you may NEVER get seats. Or you may have to sit in the front row and break your neck! Your friends may not be worried about movie logistics, they may not even consider that their tardiness is a serious cause of distress for me you because they might be calm, well adjusted citizens. So you must take the brunt of responsibility alone. And, because you are neurotic... you must venture into the theater alone to make sure you will sit together. You are still worried that the show may sell out and your friend won't get in at all- but- that is a chance you must take. If the theater is packed you will be happy with your decision to go in ahead and so will your friend(s) when they arrive to a safely guarded seat. If the theater is empty you will feel like an idiot sitting with a coat on one seat next to you eyeing people suspiciously in case they try to steal your seats, steal your coats, or in case they might have bed bugs.
  3. Making Sure You Don't Have To Sit in the Front Row- Because that is the worst! You just paid 13 dollars for neck problems. That is why you go in early.
  4. Deciding Whether to Drink Anything During the Movie- If it is a long movie, and you drink anything (water, and for you crazy Americans who actually drink soda: soda...) you will probably have to pee- and then you won't enjoy the movie to it's full potential. Or you will have to pee during the movie and miss some. If it is a bad movie- who cares. But if it is not.....
  5. Deciding WHEN to Pee Before the Movie Starts- In a perfect world you would wait until near the end of the previews, so you have peed JUST before the movie starts. Then you can sip your water moderately during the movie- and not have to burst by the time it is finished. But say your friend(s) has(ve) still not arrived and the previews have started. What kind of chance do you take? 
Would you like to know what chance I was willing to take? The other night I went to see The Descendents (overrated) with two friends. I saved seats for them inside. The previews began, they were not there. I had my coat on one seat, my bag on another, and nothing marking the seat of the third seat!!! I thought.... I must pee now in case I never get to again.

So... I left my coat and my bag with my wallet in it by itself in the semi-packed theater to save the seats and went to the bathroom with only my phone (in case they needed to contact me during the 3 minutes I was in there). 

I literally valued the movie, my bladder, and my insanity over my WALLET. (Because of that, I had a dream last night that my entire wallet's contents disappeared, but the thief left me my library card. Then I faked out attacking a man at a bar who I wrongly suspected of stealing from me. I laughed to smooth it over but he was scared of me. Don't worry, this was just a dream.)

Other Considerations:
  • Do you sneak in food/drink?
  • How long will the bathroom line be?
  • Will it be a scary movie?
  • Will this movie depress me for the rest of the week?
  • Will I be depressed in the bathroom when I look in the mirror and realize I do not look anything like ___________?
  • Will I regret missing the previews to pee?
  • Will I love this tween movie on an irrational level and have a 1-year imaginary relationship with Robert Pattinson?
  • Will I sit behind a big-headed human?
  • Will this movie run really long?
  • Will this movie be boring?
  • Will the random weird man sitting next to you masturbate while touching your leg during Tim Burton's Alice and Wonderland? Yes this happened. And yes I screamed at him once I realized. And yes he left 5 minutes later. And yes I hate him.
Basically, there are many things to consider when going to a movie. If you are a laid back hippie, maybe you don't care about these things. But I am a Capricorn and I will have order! Also, I just want my movie experience to be really really amazing! So I plan! OK?!

Maybe now you will plan too, and then when we meet up to go to movies, you won't be late, and/or you will also tell me to calm down if I start hyperventilating.