Friday, January 4, 2013

Adult Things I Don't Do

I would generally like to be a better person- or at least seem like a better person- or maybe just make others think I am a better person. It is unclear to me which one it is, but either way... there is a lot of improving that probably needs to be done.

You know how adults bring bottles of wine to their friends' houses when they visit or go to a party? What a great thing to do. The other night I was contemplating Ehhh, do I stop at the wine store and do that extra thing? (That thing that... really... isn't actually going above and beyond at all- it's just standard practice.) Or do I just show up and pretend that my company is enough and all they really want? It's in delusional moments like those where I realize I am half-assing my life. They don't care about my company! Grow Up! They want the wine! But I still didn't get them the wine.

Here are some more adult things that I do not do- that I probably should do:

Have a calendar. I really, really don't have a calendar. I have a Google Calendar on my computer and my phone. And it is empty. I check it a few times a year hoping that the one thing I forget the date of is actually in there, and it never is. However, I am actually impressed then, with my ability to sort of remember when things are. Oh there is a party on the 10th, I think my cousin is visiting in like two weeks or something, I said I'd go out tomorrow night, there is a show I said I'd go to in a few weeks, next week on wednesday I am doing something- I think, I am going to DC in two months on the Friday of a week in the middle of the month, next week I said I'd do like 4 things and I forget what they are but I will find out, I think I double booked this Saturday afternoon- who to cancel on now? That is how I live my life. And I actually just realized that is probably not normal.

Of course, my method goes horribly wrong, and I overbook myself, and totally forget, and then don't show up to things. Or find out again last minute that things are happening and then have to bail. But, weirdly, more often than not I actually (generally) know when things are. It's just that if someone asks me about a certain date- I never have anything concrete to look at. It's always: I think I am free.... I have to consult my brain and get back to you. Or I am pretty sure I am not free but I totally forget why. I always tell people I need to "look at my calendar"- but that really means... I just need to take some time and see if I remember what is going on.

Giving people gifts. There is no consistency here. Sometimes I do a great job with gift giving and purchase thoughtful, personal gifts in advance. But most often, I just don't even get it together to get a gift at all. Same with cards. Sometimes I write people thoughtful cards! And thank you cards! Because my mother tried so hard to raise me right. But more often than not- I don't. And that is not ok.

Dates. Yea, well actually, I force myself to go on those occasionally with nice people who I never like. Everyone I ever like, I never go on dates with. I don't know if that is normal.

Having a car. Whenever I hear about my friends, or just other adults who I think are older than me but are really not, who have cars.... just.... how? You have to pay for them and get them inspected and replace the tires and wash them and fill them up with gas and park them! And,!! Right? What!?

Vacuum. I actually vacuum 2 or 3 times a year. Maybe 4. Other than that I just occasionally pick up dust bunnies with my hands and throw them in the trash. It sort of works.

Cooking Meat. I eat cheese and toast most nights, like an old, medieval pauper.

Spa Treatments. Nope. Lots of female adults I know get facials. Lots get manicures. Lots get massages (ohh, that would actually be nice. When I got my first massage at 18, the lady told me I was the tensest person she had ever worked on in her whole career). Bikini Waxes? Nobody will explain to me what you are supposed to do in between, during the summer, while it is growing back in? Nobody will tell me no matter how many times I ask them. Nobody knows. There is no winning.

Ironing. Ok, well now I ... well my roommate... officially owns an iron, which is great. But I have only used it, in my adult life, once. And it shows.

Dry Cleaning. I am wearing velvet pants right now that are "Dry Clean Only" and that means they will NEVER be cleaned. EVER. Coats, Dresses, Wool things.... If it is Dry Clean Only, it means it will just never get washed.

Taxes. I should probably not be admitting this because I might get arrested, but because my income has been so minimal and sporadic in the past (theater jobs) and then under-the-table babysitting.... my dad just took my tax stuff and gave it to his accountant and then he paid like the 80 dollars I owed to the government. This spring will be different though.

In conclusion: This post started off by me thinking: "Oh I had better change my ways to make people think I am a better adult person"... but actually I think what I have learned (besides the taxes thing) is that I am not actually going to change anything with any real urgency at all.