Tuesday, January 15, 2013

You Wish You Were Bridget Jones

If you do any number of stupid, awkward, or embarrassing things- the use of self deprecating humor may be a good choice- because it will feel very important to let everyone know that you also know you are out of your mind.

And, if you are a girl, you may find yourself saying: "Oh Gooooooddd, I'm juuust like Bridget Jonesss". (Or, "Lizzz Lemmmooonnn")

But don't. Because that is not really a self-insult at all. It is about as pretend a self-insult as they come.

"Har Har! Pity me, pity me, I'm so dysfunctional yet hilarious, FML!!!!"

Girl, you wish you were like Bridget Jones. I wish I had the good fortune to be just like Bridget Jones.

Because Bridget lives in the beautiful land of fictional comedy and fake-snowy British cinema, where no matter how many nights you spend getting drunk alone in your pajamas on the couch, lip-syncing to "All By Myself", and no matter how stupid your job is, you still live in a gorgeously glowy and charmingly sloppy little million-dollar flat in London. And no matter how many psychotic things you say or do, (scripted to be hilarious by the way) the modern version of Pride and Prejudice's heartthrob will still be there to whisk you off your feet, even if you just ran after him through the snowy streets of London with no pants on.

Yea. You could only wish you were like Bridget Jones.

Here are some more reasons why her life will always be better than yours:

Her "depression" aside, she has really clean hair

She makes a fool out of herself constantly, but it is still ok, and her hair still looks clean no matter how straggly the costume department tried to make it look

(She is also friends with Moaning Myrtle:)

She has lots of downtime, cute cushions, and even owns a legit robe. I don't have a robe:

After quitting her job, quite triumphantly (even though she was sleeping with her boss who was also secretly engaged to a "skinny american"), she magically lands a job in TV, which then magically turns into a job on TV- which she does all wrong but somehow it works out anyway

She can't speak properly, but everyone thinks she is adorable (even though Mark Darcy acts very cold when they meet because she insulted the reindeer sweater his mom made him wear). (But of course he is secretly falling in love with her haphazard speech and clean hair)

She is also "fat", but looks pretty good to me

She is "such a mess" but always has a lovely shade of pink lipstick on. And, god, really clean hair even though I KNOW they try to make it look limp and like she may need to get her roots redone

She has all these "horrible habits" that seem like a really good time, and don't seem to negatively affect her life all that much, except maybe that she was late to her parent's "Turkey Curry Buffet", but who cares.

Mr. Darcy, who she is not dating, just randomly shows up to her house for her birthday dinner-party (!?), and witnesses her being a horrible cook (blue twine = blue soup), "how embarrassing", but then he heroically saves the day by making omelettes for everyone

Then, just to add some drama, but also to give her the special feeling of "Wow all these men love me!?!?", Daniel, the former boss shows up with a bottle of wine, only to realize Bridget is not a complete loner, and actually has lots of friends over plus a random omelette-maker man, who also just so happens to be Daniel's arch-nemesis. It is very dramatic and exciting.

Wait, also let's "totally ignore" the fact that Mark Darcy has a serious girlfriend, (that his father seemingly forces him to announce his unconfirmed proposal to, at a big party, in front of everyone???? they are moving to New York to be partners in Law together???) but just so we don't totally hate him, we are also led to believe Natasha is mean and bosses him around and doesn't smile (except below when his father is telling the whole party that they are probably going to be "something else in-law as well" hahahahahahahahaha. They are LAWYERS. Get it? She is so happy. He looks so miserable. It's really a great movie).

Then Mr. Darcy jumps into a freaking lake because he is so stressed out

Wait- sorry-- confused.

Then Bridget YELLS out after the announcement "NO!!!" And then she makes a long and awkward speech to the entire party about how England can't lose their top 'barrister'.... and she dramatically trails off and calls him "England's top person...." and everyone stares at her thinking "who is she??" and "why can't this girl shut up???". And then she leaves the party awkwardly.

But then he follows her into the lobby of his family's London-mansion as she is putting on her lumpy sweater to go out into the London snow, and he makes a joke about her awkward speaking abilities, and she gets mad and defends herself!

But then he says this shit:

And she's like, What is my life, a movie!?

Oh wait, then it is AFTER THAT when he turns up at her house to make omelettes to go with the blue soup. Ok, Ok, that makes a bit more sense. Less random.

So, back to the awkward birthday dinner-party where "all these men are fighting over me even though I can't string 3 coherent words together and weigh more than Renee Zellweger normally does", Daniel makes some comment about how it's no wonder Mark's ex wife left him, and all hell breaks loose.

But then, whatever, don't worry, it all works out in the end... after a few more misunderstandings, Mr. Darcy and Bridget make out on the street in the fake-snow while she is just wearing underwear, sneakers, and a coat. And then there is a sequel movie that I have never seen. I dont know why I ended up telling almost the whole plot, I thought I was just going to talk about her clean hair.

The point is.... don't tell anyone "God, I'm like Bridget Jones or like Liz Lemon or something. Ugh, I'm soooooo weird and quirky and dysfunctional. I may end up having to get married to James Marsden at City Hall wearing my princess Leia costume!!!!!". 

We alllllll know what you are doing.

You wish.