Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Social Media #MadeMeAnAttentionWhore

Here are some ways that Facebook, twitter, tumblr, buzzfeed, spotify, message boards, and blogs have affected my life our lives.

If you don't agree with this article, go read an encyclopedia in the library and then write a postcard to your mom about it. See if I care or even know you did that.


1. First of all. I cannot read anything long. I cannot do it. I skim everything. Paragraphs must be very, very short. Like, this one is already getting too long.

Sometimes I can't even read a whole tweet.

2. I need to have visuals with things. If I do not see a picture, the article isn't real. That is also what they teach you in "Successful Blogging 101", which is not a real course but rather any number of blog posts on any number of blogs that teach you how to blog* DUH.

It means nothing. But, it is cute, right?
I stole this picture from google images. 
That is bad form in blogging. But I do it all the timmmmeeeee.

*Many people have WHOLE internet businesses devoted to teaching YOU how to have an internet business. That is sort of parallel to a hairdresser having a hair salon where the clients come in and sit in the chair and watch the hair dresser do her own hair, in order for the client to to learn how to do it themselves. Like, thanks for the advice but do you actually have any skills besides doing your OWN hair? (this paragraph is too long)

3. Facebook, whenever I log on, my eyes widen in anticipation of seeing those red notifications of approval. Somebody contacted me. Somebody liked my picture. Somebody commented on my status. Oh GGODDDD, just an invite to like that dumb page again? Ugh.

4. Twitter: Ditto for twitter. Did ANYONE star my tweet about whether birds pee as well as poop? No?! ugh.

5. Facebook is so motherfreaking dangerous and obsessive for anyone with a crush. Everything you put on there you hope they see and think is super cool. It's the proof of your cool life, and also WHAT DO THEY THINK OF MY PROFILE?

And if they LIKE one of your posts? Forget it. Butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

Speaking of:

6. Searching word meanings. This is mostly a good thing:

How else would I have been able to confirm that it means "surprise" or "mock surprise". (I sort of used it correctly.)

And, Urban Dictionary came in VERY useful to research the word "shorty" the other day, and to help me figure out whether I was being hit on or not. It turns out: not.

7. tumblr. Ugh I don't even understand tumbr yet. I'd like to comment but the only way is to reblog, but I don't want to reblog because the post doesn't fit with my theme. How do I get more followers? My home feed is so overwhelming to read. I can't handle it.

8. Buzzfeed just proves how everything now needs to be short, and mostly pictures. And in numbered lists. That is why this post has a numbered list.

9. Spotify is the app that let's you stream music but shares all the info with your facebook friends whether you want to or not. This has left me with the haunting feeling that everything I do on my phone or youtube or wherever is being watched and broadcasted to everyone, and actually apparently it is. #BigBrotherisobsessedwithme

10. #Hashtags. Hashtags are so, so dumb. And only slightly useful since everyone uses them for the wrong thing. Wonderfully, hashtags and blog "tags" are a new and unexpected medium for jokes. Since the point of a tag is to categorize your post to allow others to easily find it, or to draw other readers to you, people use them to add ironic or unhelpful tags for the sake of comedy (this paragraph is too long)

The only issue I have is when people make up hashtags that mean nothing to anyone ever and aren't even funny. I guess why do I care? I don't even care. Whatever.

Also, now people use hashtags when speaking mostly for attempted humor, sort of like when I started using "slash" in sentences instead of saying "and". I really don't know how I feel about spoken hashtags yet. But I bet there will be a chunk of time when I'll be obsessed with hashtagging everything I say and it will drive everyone insane. #iAin'tbovvered

11. Blogs are so bizarre. There are BLOGGERS out there, who identify as BLOGGERS and make their life and money and friends off of their blog and their blog's identity. And it is super weird! But super cool! #shutupimnotjealous

12. Message boards. Have you ever gotten sucked into a message board? If you haven't GET OUT OF HERE, you are TOO superior to read this post. I have gotten sucked into Harry Potter message boards, Doctor Who message boards, and some diet culty message boards, and probably some questionable Livejournals.

Oh the hours I've wasted

Message boards are the cults of the internet. THEY ARE THE CULTS OF THE INTERNET. Be very wary.

13. I will not call if I can email. I also may not call even if I have to call. But I will always email. Remember that: I don't hate you, I just hate human contact.

I will also facebook chat (my specialty), text, gchat, or facebook tag you on my wall or your wall. I will rarely tweet at you, because I think that looks really messy.

14. And for one last final point: being in high school/college during the first generation where "everything was on the internet".... um, the LIBRARY?! HELL NO. And even as someone who LIKES reading and literature, I still used for lots of my english books in high school- merely because I could. 


There you have it. Some very real ways that the internet is changing and ruining my life our lives.

And I didn't mention all the wonderful things the internet can do. Oh well, make your own list.