Thursday, December 26, 2013

Soft Resolutions: Things I'm Gonna Think About Changing in the New Year

I am not into making New Year's Resolutions, mostly because I don't like doing difficult things. I also don't like setting myself up for failure. And I have a rebellious streak (against myself).

Buuuttt there are definitely some things I could (softly and slowly) change, which coincidentally happens to be just in time for the new year.

Here are some of those soft, slowly-changing, rule-less suggestions that I am considering in an "it doesn't matter if I fail" sort of way.

  • grocery shopping- I'm going to BUY ingredients so I can make things that I can eat - instead of eating toast and cheese and grapes every day. I will do this on a regular basis.
  • exercising- I'm gonna exercise at least once a week for, say, 20 minutes. (Like "yoga" or "weights" or pushups or something.)
  • cleaning- I am going to CLEAN, like, once a month, at LEAST. And REAL cleaning. Not just picking up dust bunnies on occasion.
  • Sell everything I own- I am going to list everything I don't want or need anymore for 10 dollars or less on craigslist. And if they wanna come get it and pay me to take it away, then it is theirs. Mostly shoes. Maybe some books.
  • Speaking of, I am not going to wear high heels anymore. This is less of an "improvement" and more of a "how can I care less about what the world expects of me" sort of thing. I am not gonna wear high heels no matter what the world wants. Unless it is an audition. Or a show. Or unless it is a black tie party- (but Ha! I never go to those!). I am also never gonna wear ballet flats because my feet are too wide. So I am ONLY going to wear boots or sandals. Always. Forever. Except for those exceptions.
  • i'm gonna sleep 12:45 - 8:45- I will experience miraculous, spontaneous, magical sleep-cycle healing.
  • i'm gonna eat more during the day instead of at 1 am- This will take some work and adjustment, but... I am determined.
  • i'm gonna remember that I am ok. Generally. That I'm like, cool. You know, self confidence stuff. "Siri, remind me that "you are enough" every day. No IIIII am enough, not YOU. ME. And say it in a more convincing way than your normal robot voice does. Ugh you are good for nothing."
  • I'm gonna make stuff - like - just creative stuff. I don't know yet what it is gonna be. Maybe just another blog post. But I'm gonna do it.
  • remember alcohol tolerance- i'm gonna remember that 2+ drinks is rarely as awesome as I think it will be. Maybe I'll write myself like a phone reminder for whenever I am meeting up with people for drinks. Or maybe every day in my calendar I will have a "remember that 1.5 drinks is almost always enough". And "Siri, remind me that I only want to drink 1.5 drinks max. Repeat this reminder every day at 7:30 pm. Thankksssssssss".
  • I'm gonna have a lot of money- not sure how.
  • I'm never gonna be nervous again- I am just going to remember that everything is fine always and "things work out even when they don't". You know what I mean? "Siri, remind me to never be nervous again. Repeat this reminder hourly. Thanksssssss."

 

Merry Christmas and a Happy, resolution-free New Year.

 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

If I Had (a lot of) Money

One of my favorite activities is: tricking myself into believing something that isn't real and then seeing what I do or think. And then judging myself for being insane.

Though, this time when I tricked myself it was really fun. I played the "What Would You Do or Change if you had an unlimited amount of money right now, GO". And this is what I came up with:

  • First, responsibly getting this bullet out of the way, careerwise, I would take a lot of classes, and spend my time auditioning and making things instead of babysitting. Boom. I would also pay to have all those actory things made, like reels etc, which right now I have no immediate intention of doing because it seems impossible- and expensive.
  • (Edited to Add) Charities. Because that is what rich people, who do the right thing, do.

Now that I have that out of the way (Just assume I would do EVERYTHING I needed to do for peoples' reaction to me to be: "You are so functional and responsible!"), here is more.

  • I would get Fresh Direct once a week. And it would be filled with a lot of very expensive items. And I would eat so much and so easily and so often. I would also finally have ingredients to actually cook things, which I am hoping and assuming I would do. (In this delivery order there would be wine. There would be sparkling water bottles. I don't even drink sparkling water. There would be paper towels. There would be all the things that are heavy to carry that I put off buying. There would be potatoes. There would be expensive almond butter. There would be Apple Cider Vinegar, FINALLY.)
  • I would get an externimator because we have mice. (I cannot rely on my superintendant.)
  • I would get a plumber to fix the shower knobs/water temperature regulation. (Same superintendent situation.)
  • And before all that, I would get a cleaning service 2x a month because I freaking can.
  • I would get a car, and I guess it would be the quiet kind that is good for the environment.
  • I would get amtrak tickets or drive always because I CAN.
  • I would get a little suitcase. I need one.
  • I would get a new tv where the speakers didn't rattle when you turn the sound up at all, and where the remote actually syncs with the cable remote so you don't have to double-fist remotes.
  • I would obviously eventually buy an amazing apartment, but that is a lot of work, so not yet. But when I did it would have a dishwasher, it would have a washer/dryer, it would have no mice. I would buy a little indoor tree for it. That would be so cool. I would remember to water it.
  • I would get laser hair removal. Tens of thousands of dollarsworth.
  • I would take cabs every late night.
  • I would pay a 3-piece band to just follow me around and perform with me in bars, and all the time in my apartment.
  • I would go to a specialist about my jaw muscle because my mom just told me that my "face isn't lopsided because of my broken nose, like I previously thought, it is because my jaw alignment and muscles are crooked"- and LO! she is RIGHT.
  • I would hire a crew/team to shoot these little scripty things I wrote, and it would be great. I would also serve them pizza. (Thin-crust.)
  • I would buy a new yoga mat because mine is crumbling apart and dirty.
  • I would buy a lot of plants. And water them.
  • I would buy new christmas lights to string in the bathroom, because ours burnt out.
  • I would probably see a psychiatrist and have them prescribe me beta-blockers.
  • I would buy lots of bras that fit.
  • I would buy another good pillow.
  • I would pay a person to fix the slat on my bed that won't actually stay in because the movers put my bed together wrong a year and a half ago.
  • I would finally take my velvet pants to the dry-cleaner.

There are more things but I will have to write them later because I need to take a shower.

 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Thankful Thursdays: Because Having a Theme is a Good Idea

OK, so, I am trying to kill two birds with one stone. First bird: I want to start a THEMED blog post topic that has annoying and cutesy alliteration- because apparently that is what bloggers DO.

The Second Bird: it has come to my attention over my many years of reading self help books, that I should be spending an exorbinant amount of time, whenever I can, listing all of the things I am grateful for - in order to have more good things happen to me. It is sort of like the paradox of selfishness: If you are selfish and want good things to happen to you, you have to acknowledge all of the already good things, and then more good things will happen to you. And I, my friends, am very selfish.

So anyway, my point is this: I am going to start "Thankful Thursdays", and once that name starts to make me want to kill myself, I will change it to "Thankful Saturdays" and save us all from the cutesy alliteration.

Ready? (This is free-associated again, just like my Thanksgiving one, because planning is for suckers.)

(And... I'm just gonna do 10.)

  • I am thankful for toilets. Oooooohhhhh am I thankful to toilets. Because as much as I joke about wanting to use a chamber pot because of my laziness, I know I would regret having one for many reasons. (I threw out my humidifier because it was too hard to clean.) So, thank you indoor plumbing.
  • I am thankful for ovens and/or toaster ovens even though I only use them these days to heat up frozen Amy's dinners. Using toaster ovens allows me to feel superior to people who use microwaves and allows me to ride the line between completely dysfunctional and slightly functional- and to sit comfortably and warmly on my metaphorically and hypocritically high horse. (that sentance was too long, I know)
  • I am thankful for both coffee shops and for personal coffee makers. So, really, I am just thankful for coffee, and that I have the ability to get and drink it either way.
  • I am thankful for winter because it allows me to feel no guilt if I decide to stay inside all day, but IF I do go outside for a walk or an errand or whatever - I feel VERY accomplished like I am braving the elements and perservering through difficult conditions and I become very proud of myself. I also love the cold- so it is a win-win. I also love dramatic and sad music, which also feels appropriate to listen to while walking through the freezing, while feeling both proud of myself for doing something difficult, and dramatic and sad because of the music I am listening to. There are so many win-wins. So, yes, I am thankful for winter.

 

  • I am thankful that I don't have OCD like my brother and my sister, because I am able to live in filth and not mind too much.
  • I am thankful for my iPhone because I love it and it is so amazing and it is sort of like my small best friend.
  • I am thankful that I don't drink tea because tea is dumb.
  • I am thankful for emergen-C because I THINK it is cheaper than a multivitamin. Maybe not actually.
  • I am thankful for this snowfall because it actually feels like winter. (see above)
  • And finally, I am thankful for christmas lights, because it is INSTANT decor and you don't even need to be good at decorating.

Alrighty then. Let's see how many weeks I keep this up and/or before switching to Thankful Saturdays.

 

(I stole this from Google. You know how many bloggers do Thankful Thursdays? A LOT.)

 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

How to Act Chill

It is very important to pretend that you are chill and easy going, or else people will not want to be around you. 

If you want people to think you are chill, which is something you should definitely want, you have to act very calm and casual and seem like you don't care about anything and that nothing stresses you out, no matter how many trains you miss or how many people are behind you in line at the cash register while you are trying to put the change in the change pocket and the bills in the bills pocket and what do you do with the receipt? Etc. 

Here are more:

laugh. laugh everything off. especially when you would otherwise be embarrassed: laugh. pretend you think personal ridicule is hilarious.

keep a steady, calm and/or monotone voice often always so people never know if you are excited and/or anxious.


wear really casual clothes all the time so people think that you don't care about anything and are very comfortable in your own skin.

wear really nice clothes and act like you have no idea that they look nice.

drink but don't get alcoholism.

pretend you think talking is really easy. Especially small talk. Chill people don't mind talking casually and calmly about things. Pretend. And laugh, but don't laugh nervously. Laugh chill-y.

pretend you don't mind silence. Silence can be a frequent and unfortunate occurence. So act like you are fine with it.

Be nice but not too nice because overly nice people are compensating for deep inner pain and assholes are also compensating for deep inner turmoil. Strike a balance for god's sake.

Do hard things and don't let anyone know that you think they are hard. Like if you have to go grocery shopping, just do it. And laugh, and talk to people when they talk to you, etc.

Walk for the train. Don't run for the train even if it's leaving because... c'est la vie, as they'll say.

Be ok with being poor because life is about people anyway.

Be ok with being rich because life is about people anyway.

(that was very wise of me)

Don't act like you think are wise because everyone wants to be the wise one.

Don't act the world is a horrible place because that takes too much unchill energy.

Don't tell anyone if you think the world is a wonderful place because you need to remain mysterious.

Don't go on a diet because it means you aren't cool with how you are and also... I promise that the diet will make you very very unchill.

Read but only a little bit.

Sleep really well. and if you don't, pretend you sleep really well. chill people don't have insomnia.

Ride a bike around like a bohemian.

Consider shopping at thrift stores.

Don't take too many vitamins.

Don't wear too much makeup/cologne/perfume.

The end.




Friday, December 6, 2013

Things that you may not think you have to buy

Pens. Pens just seem to exist in drawers and bags. It seems like no matter WHAT there will always be a pen from a bank somewhere around for you to find. Until there ISN'T. Then you have to buy some. Also even when you do buy pens they run out of ink, which is always crazy. "Pen, you are useless to me already?! I only bought you 10 months ago"

Pencils. Ditto. But sir, are you using pencils!?!?!? Sharpening it for the bubbles on the SAT?!?!? (Actually I have no idea if this is how the SAT works. I forget.)

Umbrellas. There's always an umbrella lurking in the back of a closet, or behind a door, or in the backseat of a car. Until there ISN'T. Then you have to BUY one. And if you buy a cheap one it will break, and if you buy an expensive one you will leave it somewhere.

Underwear. You think underwear just grows on trees? I wish it DID.

Safety Pins. Ohhhh safety pins just live in the backs of drawers and the bottom of little darling pointless containers you have on your shelf that your aunt gave you when you were 6. They just seem to spawn themselves in bag pockets and jars of buttons n' things. But this isn't little house on the prairie. And safety pins don't reproduce or even grow in mollusks like pearls. So, you have to buy them.

Ditto Bobby Pins

Ditto Hair Things

USB chords, etc. That tub labeled 'electronics' that you shoved in the top of your closet is bound to have a USB chord. Well it probably does. But you only have it because you bought something and it came included. Ok this is a bad example.

Lemons. Lemons need to be bought! Take it from me. I always expect there to be lemons around and there never are.

Peanut Butter. Pantries don't come stocked with PB. You have to buy it, sadly.

Electricity. You need to buy it. That is always a little shocking to me.

Matches. Matches don't just exist waiting for you to use them. And they shouldn't be taken for granted. Fire is a commodity and hard to come by in the wild. Unless you are in a wildfire, but that goes without saying. My POINT: Matches need to be bought or stolen from those hostess tables at restaurants. I bought a candle last month in the sublet and I could NOT FIND matches or a lighter in ANY junk drawer. It was shocking and eye opening.

There you have it. That is all for now.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

I Am Thankful For A Lot (A Free-Association)

Everybody is posting Thankful posts on facebook. And I wasn't going to at all because I don't want to make everything all about me, but then I realized I could sort of one-up those short facebook posts and write a whole long list.

There are too many things I am thankful for, so I am just going to list the first things that come to mind. This is sort of a free-association. Ok:


I am thankful for curtains (that's the first thing I see) because they can make rooms dark when you sleep and also let you get dressed without your neighbors seeing you naked.

I am really, really thankful for clothes and sweaters, especially in the winter, EVEN though I basically don't have any clothes that aren't from Old Navy (and all of my socks and underwear have holes in them).

I am thankful that Old Navy has affordable clothes even though they fall apart and are probably made by small children who deserve better. I hope that is not offensive.

I am so thankful that I am sort of unemployed right now because I get to sleep in and spend holidays with my family. And I also now finally crave having a purpose, which is good.

I am thankful for cars even though they are destroying the planet. I am so thankful for gas even though its expensive and causing wars. (I love being driven places. I love driving. I wish I had a car. Ok.)

I am thankful for trains because they are fast.

I am thankful for buses because they are cheap.

I am thankful that trains AND buses have bathrooms and hand sanitizer in them. I am thankful that highways have rest stops. I am thankful that I don't have OCD and can use public restrooms.

I am thankful for bottled water even though the plastic bottles are never going to decompose.

I am thankful for my phone because it is amazing and beautiful, even though the case is discolored because lipstain exploded in my bag.

I am thankful that I don't care about clothes shopping because I don't have any money to clothes shop anway, (even though the fallout is that I don't have any clothes).

I am thankful for the kindle app on my phone because I can read self help books WHEREVER I GO.

I am thankful for tv shows because it gives me fun things to do, and also makes me feel like I am part of the world, I can pretend it's acting "research", and it gives me bonding things to talk about with people. I might not have any friends if I didn't watch tv. Well I could be friends with people who like Harry Potter. Ok moving on.

I am thankful for New York City for being cool and expensive and pretty and exciting and not too far from where my parents live. I am thankful for Philadelphia for being cool and not as expensive and small and not far from New York City.

I am thankful for Canada for existing.

I am thankful for forests even though there are bugs and coyotes and poison ivy.

I am thankful for phones in general that keep people in touch, even though I get stressed whenever someone calls.

I am thankful for the cold weather to make me feel like I have something difficult to do (going outside).

I am thankful for real fireplaces because they are my favorite smell.

I am thankful for alcohol for making me sociable- and for tasting great and painful in that mouth burny way.

I am thankful that I ate pie for lunch and I don't even care.

I am thankful that I am seeing my cousins today and that I will get to drink wine and eat potatoes even though I am probably going to have to deflect questions about dating and "what I am doing next". (See above about unemployment)

I am thankful for spotify and headphones. Seriously I do not know how people existed in the 70s without portable music.

I am thankful for singing even though I never realize when I am singing to myself and bothering people.

I am thankful for this cool, weird holiday when we are supposed to get together with people we like and be thankful for our lives, even though I know the original one was all centered around stealing land and genocide, etc.

I am thankful for the abundance of food, EVEN though it's all mostly factory farmed. 

(Also did you know that wild turkeys sleep in TREES?!)


I am thankful for a million other things that would take too long to list right now, becuase I am basically thankful for everything- even though nothing is perfect. That's ok.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, October 28, 2013

You Deserve Everything Probably

Everything: Every food, every tv show, every second of rest, infinite couch time, hours upon hours of no plans, kindness and understanding from everyone, no emails I don't want to respond to, nothing to do the next day or two, nothing to decide, no phone calls- (GOD no phone calls). Etc.

But, nothing like professional massages- because that requires small talk and pleasantries.

When:

Winter- It is cold and dark so it is important to take time for yourself. Also to eat lots of food because otherwise you can die from lack of insulation.

Summer- It is so hot and hard to move fast in the summer - also the sun drains you even if you are doing nothing.

Auditions/Interviews/First Dates- You deserve at least a full day of recovery after any of these things.

During a hangover- Science actually says we deserve everything during hangovers because of electrolytes/sodium and needing to replenish any and all fuel. And also rest and relaxation for your liver but also sometimes some more alcohol for your headache.

During drinking- You need to eat everything you can so you don't get as bad of a hangover.

Doing one productive thing- "I crossed something off my list so now I deserve 3 netflix episodes."

When it is raining- "It is raining which is god's way of telling me to sit inside and do whatever I want."

When something bad happens- When an acquaintance's father is diagnosed with cancer, "it is important that I don't do anything because it would be disrespectful to carry on as if nothing happened."

When something good happens- "Something good happened! I will give myself credit for this! Reward time! Reward time!"

When I'm tired- Um, I'm tired, so leave me alone.

Brunch- Brunch is a special occasion. Restaurants won't even let you have it on days that are not weekends, and you are allowed to drink alcohol and have coffee at the same time which is amazing but also a hard thing to juggle. Remember- you are SUPPOSED to eat things that are confusing because nobody knows whether it is lunch or breakfast or heaven. So order as many meals as you want. Get an omelette AND French Toast AND the assorted pastries plate. Homemade jam? Well, you have to order the bread basket. But keep in mind, if they don't have real maple syrup, you are not having real brunch, just FYI.

Before brunch- The hours before brunch are a confusing time when you will probably be hungry and not know whether to eat breakfast or not because brunch isn't starting til like 1. Eat.

After brunch- That brunch was long and your body is processing alcohol and caffeine so go lie down and watch tv for the rest of the day. It is the freaking weekend.

Period- Everything is hard so I deserve EVERYTHING.

In airplanes- Airplanes mean that everything is up the air. Literally, that wasn't even a joke. Who knows what time it is, and WHO knows when's the next time you'll get your hands on candy coated nuts. WHO knows when you will even be able to walk again. There could be unforeseen delays, layovers, or future baggage issues. Your hotel could have lost your reservation or maybe all of the restaurants and delis will be closed by the time you get to your destination and you won't be able to eat until the next morning. You could be starved out for 2 days. Nothing is certain. You are stuck, and you are going incredibly fast through the air. Our bodies probably think that it has been HOURS or DAYS in the span of minutes because it is being dragged through time and space at an absurd speed that no creator or evolution could have accounted for, THAT is why you are so hungry! So eat or you might die. Point is- follow your heart because airplanes are technically allowing you to not live on planet earth for a little while and that is a crazy thing, treat yo' self. Also, who knows if the plane will crash. Just saying.

In airports- You also deserve everything before and after your plane ride because of all of the reasons I listed above. So you need to gather everything you can while you are still on planet earth.

At night- Well, nighttime is a time when you deserve stuff because you just lived a whole day and did stuff, and even if you didn't, you stayed alive all day and probably worried about all the things you weren't doing, so it is time to relax and let go of your burdens.

In the morning- Morning is hard because you have to get up and get ready to be expected to do stuff. You need to eat to fuel and also you need to get dressed and that is very hard. So bring some light into your life.

Midday- This is a hard time because you have been doing stuff for a while, but there is so much more to go. So, find a way to pamper yourself if possible.

When roommates are out- "This could be my last chance to be alone ever again in my whole life. I won't let it go to waste."

Vacation- Obviously, I'm on vacation leave me alone. I don't want to go to a museum!

After vacations- Vacations are always filled with doing hard stuff, plus you were probably just on a plane for a long time. So, you deserve everything.

When I have money- I have MONEY, I can buy whatever itunes songs I WANT. I ain't doing nothin I don't wanna do.

When I have no money- It is important to pamper oneself in times of lack in order to foster feelings of abundance, or at least that is what The Secret said. So YES, I WILL buy that 7 dollar cookie and 6 dollar cappuccino. Hello universe, here I am.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Sleecrastinating

I am going to talk about all the great ways to procrastinate going to bed, if that's something you are into. If you don't know what I am talking about, it is a mild form of masochism, and I am trying to get it recognized as a real condition. (No that's a lie, I barely care enough about anything to go to any difficult length for anything, especially something this stupid.)

But anyway, for now let's call it: Sleecrastination. (pronounced Slicrastination)

Let me count the ways.....

Eating

Eating is a great way to sleecrastinate, because it is fun and addictive and delicious. It can also be salty or sweet or both. Cold or hot, hard or soft. You can even eat in bed, though that is a step further into dysfuction, and even if you think you are not getting crumbs in your bed, YOU ARE.) Then add in the fact that for me, I normally don't eat enough during the day, I cannot fall asleep with even 3% hunger (maybe 1-2% is possible for sleep, no more), and that I also enjoyed a very impressive binge-eating disorder for most of my life- so food is a nighttime given. Anyway it is a great way to procrastinate, and I recommend it. I do not recommend binge eating though. But, don't let me talk you out of living your dreams.

Watching Television

Preferably something on Netflix because then you can just watch one after another after another. But old fashioned tv works too, because tv is literally made to hook you into watching the next show until infinity o'clock. Ignore the burning in your eyes, just turn down the brightness to trick your eyes into thinking they aren't exahusted.

Chatting with People

People are GREAT. WHO wants great, virtual conversations to end? Now, with smart phones, conversations literally NEVER NEED TO END. EVER. Not in the BATHROOM, not in BED, not EVER. NEVER. You can talk your whole life long to people who aren't even there. It is a horrible, wonderful thing.

Internet Rabbit Holes

We all know that the Internet can take you down some dark and twisted paths. Some of them center around imdb, some around youtube, some around webmd and your imminent death. Some around conspiracy theories, some around fandoms or message boards, some around tumblr, facebook, twitter, blogs, etc. I don't know you, maybe you are a scientist and you can't stop looking at websites with periodic tables on them. Who knows, but whoever you are, the internet has something for you. Even for the religious. Even for the anorexics. There will be something for you to surf and devour and sleecrastinate with. For hours. 

Food + __________________

Add food to any of the above, even food. If you add food to food you will have double sleecrastination material, and also you can eat even more mindlessly

Phone Rabbit Holes

This is not different really from internet, BUT, once you think you are safely in bed, ready to grab the remaining 6.58 hours before your alarm goes off. Then you can grab your phone and pointlessly open up twitter, then facebook, then youtube, then a game, then your horoscope (what was my day supposed to be like yesterday?), and on and on. Refresh your facebook feed a million times, it is a hollow feeling, but it is inspired by the buried hope that something exciting may be about to happen. And hope is a good thing.

Write a Blog Post

Start writing a blog post right when you are about to get in bed, and you will have something completely pointless to focus on for... as long as your dumb little heart desires!

Now GET to sleecrastinating! And don't forget to complain about how exhausted you are the entire next day.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I Broke a Promise to God and I Hope He is Not Still Mad

When I was young, my relationship to god/praying was very much the "standard catholic child":

I said the "Our Father". And sometimes the "Hail Mary"- which I messed up the order of all the time. And sometimes "Glory Be". But most importantly I made a list of things I wanted and then I prayed/begged for them. Then I would pray to bless certain family members and friends if I had time and remembered.

Amen.

I imagined god as a the standard bearded man who sat in the sky. Though sometimes he just had a huge face and no body.

(I have never prayed directly to Jesus. That has always felt weird to me.)

Also, when I was in catholic kindergarten, I always had flash images of a naked Jesus doing weird dances. And it stressed me out SO much because I knew that Jesus and God both were sitting in the sky, KNOWING what I was seeing in my brain. And I couldn't stop it. The more I tried to get my brain to not picture naked dancing Jesus, the more I pictured it. I couldn't even pray about it because then it would really bring it to their attention. Ohhhhh, the stress of a 6 year old.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time praying for really stupid things. I spend a lot of time in middle school praying to be prettier. I spent a lot of time in high school praying to be skinnier. And I spent a good amount of time praying for a new design and furniture for my room when my mom said no. Weirdly enough, that one worked.

I also spent a lot of time when I was 11 secretly praying for a dog with my brother in his room because my mom had said absoLUTELY no. So praying was our only option. And again- it worked- we got a dog. But then my mom gave it away and got another smaller dog. And then she gave that one away too.

In retrospect, we clearly should have prayed to keep the dog.

But, the most dramatic prayer was when I was a junior in High School. I was auditioning for the understudy of Maria in West Side Story at a big professional theater downtown. Besides the fact that my mom dyed my hair pitch black so I'd "look more hispanic" (the kind of black hair that looks blue in the light), covered me in bronzer which rubbed off all over the white sweater I was wearing over my outfit, which was carefully picked by my mom so I looked as young and innocent and non-curvy as possible. And besides the hour I spent before the audition trying to cover my bad skin with concealer that matched the bronzer, and the horrible panic I felt as I saw it systematically rub off all over my white sweater, and the intense stress I had over a headcold and how it was affecting my voice--- besides all off that- the audition went well. Surprisingly though, because I must have looked like an absurd, shaking, orange MESS.

So in the days following as I waited and hoped for a call from the theater, I made a hard and fast bargain with god. I said: God, I want this so much. If I get this part, I will give up diet coke until the end of the 3 month run of the show.

This was a huge sacrifice for me at the time, but something I felt I could also benefit from.

I gave up diet coke right away as a kickstart. Then I got the part. And good on my word, I kept away from the diet coke. Then about 2 months in, I got a little antsy. Does God reaaally care if I have some diet coke? Also, is god even real?

And then I caved. I had diet coke, like THREE TIMES. I got lazy, I got cocky, I felt like I was invincible. And I convinced myself that it was no big deal, and that even if God was real, he had bigger fish to fry than little old orange me going back on my word by slowly poisoning myself with chemically sweetened cola.

My point is not that praying works, or doesn't work, or that god is or isn't a bearded man in the sky. Or that what I did was stupid or brilliant or hilarious. No, I am just saying that I made a promise to a God I believed in, and broke the promise when I thought I was too cool. I guess I'm a great person or something.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Social Media #MadeMeAnAttentionWhore

Here are some ways that Facebook, twitter, tumblr, buzzfeed, spotify, message boards, and blogs have affected my life our lives.

If you don't agree with this article, go read an encyclopedia in the library and then write a postcard to your mom about it. See if I care or even know you did that.

Ok:

1. First of all. I cannot read anything long. I cannot do it. I skim everything. Paragraphs must be very, very short. Like, this one is already getting too long.

Sometimes I can't even read a whole tweet.

2. I need to have visuals with things. If I do not see a picture, the article isn't real. That is also what they teach you in "Successful Blogging 101", which is not a real course but rather any number of blog posts on any number of blogs that teach you how to blog* DUH.

It means nothing. But, it is cute, right?
I stole this picture from google images. 
That is bad form in blogging. But I do it all the timmmmeeeee.

*Many people have WHOLE internet businesses devoted to teaching YOU how to have an internet business. That is sort of parallel to a hairdresser having a hair salon where the clients come in and sit in the chair and watch the hair dresser do her own hair, in order for the client to to learn how to do it themselves. Like, thanks for the advice but do you actually have any skills besides doing your OWN hair? (this paragraph is too long)

3. Facebook, whenever I log on, my eyes widen in anticipation of seeing those red notifications of approval. Somebody contacted me. Somebody liked my picture. Somebody commented on my status. Oh GGODDDD, just an invite to like that dumb page again? Ugh.

4. Twitter: Ditto for twitter. Did ANYONE star my tweet about whether birds pee as well as poop? No?! ugh.

5. Facebook is so motherfreaking dangerous and obsessive for anyone with a crush. Everything you put on there you hope they see and think is super cool. It's the proof of your cool life, and also WHAT DO THEY THINK OF MY PROFILE?

And if they LIKE one of your posts? Forget it. Butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

Speaking of:

6. Searching word meanings. This is mostly a good thing:


How else would I have been able to confirm that it means "surprise" or "mock surprise". (I sort of used it correctly.)

And, Urban Dictionary came in VERY useful to research the word "shorty" the other day, and to help me figure out whether I was being hit on or not. It turns out: not.

7. tumblr. Ugh I don't even understand tumbr yet. I'd like to comment but the only way is to reblog, but I don't want to reblog because the post doesn't fit with my theme. How do I get more followers? My home feed is so overwhelming to read. I can't handle it.

8. Buzzfeed just proves how everything now needs to be short, and mostly pictures. And in numbered lists. That is why this post has a numbered list.

9. Spotify is the app that let's you stream music but shares all the info with your facebook friends whether you want to or not. This has left me with the haunting feeling that everything I do on my phone or youtube or wherever is being watched and broadcasted to everyone, and actually apparently it is. #BigBrotherisobsessedwithme

10. #Hashtags. Hashtags are so, so dumb. And only slightly useful since everyone uses them for the wrong thing. Wonderfully, hashtags and blog "tags" are a new and unexpected medium for jokes. Since the point of a tag is to categorize your post to allow others to easily find it, or to draw other readers to you, people use them to add ironic or unhelpful tags for the sake of comedy (this paragraph is too long)

The only issue I have is when people make up hashtags that mean nothing to anyone ever and aren't even funny. I guess why do I care? I don't even care. Whatever.

Also, now people use hashtags when speaking mostly for attempted humor, sort of like when I started using "slash" in sentences instead of saying "and". I really don't know how I feel about spoken hashtags yet. But I bet there will be a chunk of time when I'll be obsessed with hashtagging everything I say and it will drive everyone insane. #iAin'tbovvered

11. Blogs are so bizarre. There are BLOGGERS out there, who identify as BLOGGERS and make their life and money and friends off of their blog and their blog's identity. And it is super weird! But super cool! #shutupimnotjealous

12. Message boards. Have you ever gotten sucked into a message board? If you haven't GET OUT OF HERE, you are TOO superior to read this post. I have gotten sucked into Harry Potter message boards, Doctor Who message boards, and some diet culty message boards, and probably some questionable Livejournals.

Oh the hours I've wasted #RIPgryffindortower.net)

Message boards are the cults of the internet. THEY ARE THE CULTS OF THE INTERNET. Be very wary.

13. I will not call if I can email. I also may not call even if I have to call. But I will always email. Remember that: I don't hate you, I just hate human contact.

I will also facebook chat (my specialty), text, gchat, or facebook tag you on my wall or your wall. I will rarely tweet at you, because I think that looks really messy.

14. And for one last final point: being in high school/college during the first generation where "everything was on the internet".... um, the LIBRARY?! HELL NO. And even as someone who LIKES reading and literature, I still used Sparknotes.com for lots of my english books in high school- merely because I could. 

***

There you have it. Some very real ways that the internet is changing and ruining my life our lives.

And I didn't mention all the wonderful things the internet can do. Oh well, make your own list.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Eating a Whole Box of Fudge Has Repercussions

When I was in 8th grade, my friend Sarah gave me a box of homemade chocolate fudge around Christmastime. Which is, you know, so great and festive and nice. And even more exciting, because for whatever cosmic reason, I didn't have much fudge-eating experience. But I did know that eating it would be great, and I was excited to eat it all by myself and not share any of it with my family.



So I brought the box of fudge with me in my backpack to babysit my little cousins, to eat after they went to bed while I did my homework.

I had been a champion over-eater and seasoned food-hoarder for years. I was very talented. This was largely in reaction to my household's food being annoyingly healthy. Lots of Whole Foods shopping and all these different weird diets my mom went on: phases of macrobiotic and the Blood Type Diet, etc. Aduki Beans and Brown Rice, Ezekiel Bread, Almond Butter, no dairy, Kale before it was popular, and "quinoa pasta" before quinoa was a thing. It didn't matter to me that my dad made me normal french toast on Saturday mornings with processed ingredients while my mom was still asleep. That wasn't enough for my addled brain.

So I became a gifted rebellion eater. I was very skilled at eating as much junk food as I possibly could whenever the opportunity struck- and I was very good at keeping junk food top of the mind as my #1 priority. I was also a stick-figure all through childhood, so my eating obsession seemed more just like a weird quirk to anyone else. All I did at friend's houses was eat their gushers and cheez wiz and fruity pebbles, because I literally felt it was "now or never". It did not go completely unnoticed. Once when my mom was picking me up from a playdate, the other mother asked her if she starved me.

So food was my drug of choice from age 2 to about 23. But I still didn't know much about fudge or its density- and that it's basically just hardened butter and sugar. I guess I had spent all my olympic rebellion-eating on cookies and snickers and pecan sandies. Fudge was a specialty food which I didn't understand.

So that night in 2002, once my little cousins had fallen asleep and the dogs stopped barking at the ghost in the corner of the room, I tried a piece of fudge, and it was great. So naturally, I ate the whole box.

I felt sick, but that was normal. Just another day in the life. This was probably the first year I started realizing that my olympic eating might start to have some repercussions, but drug addictions are hard to kick.

I went home that night feeling sick and full. Sort of sicker than usual. But whatever, it would pass.

When I woke up early in the morning, the room was spinning and I threw up three times in the toilet. Woops.

When I casually told Sarah that her fudge was great and I ate the whole box and then woke up and threw it all up, she looked at me like I was out of my mind. I thought it was just a pretty amusing and dramatic bodily reaction to a normal activity of mine: eating a hell of a lot. But then she told me that I probably put my body into some kind of diabetic shock because I basically just ate a whole bag of sugar and whole box of butter.

You'd think this could have been a wake-up call to stop my careless ways, but it wasn't.